The Antidote to Everything Except For Me (Kireon)

[Cathaline]

Fenrisk's eggs would be hatching any day now. Any day. And Newt was...

terrified panicking losing his mind losing his soul unable to breathe or sleep

Enthusiastic.

That was all anyone could see, right? That was all he wanted anyone to see. He visited the sands almost daily and did his chores religiously and talked, loudly, to anyone who would listen, about how excited he was to stand again -

It had been less than three months.

Anyone who did not know Newt very well would probably say, wow, that kid is coping extremely well! Anyone who knew Newt moderately well would say, well, he's getting there. And anyone who knew Newt as well as his Candidatemasters were supposed to would know that he was dying inside. That much was evident based on how he had not yet psyched himself up to go and get acquainted with Jafask or Rask. One might be able to blame his jitteriness on too much klah, if one did not realise he was suffering from chronic sleep deprivation which was the reason he was drinking too much klah. And one might also notice the way he occasionally touched his face like he thought his nose might start bleeding again.

What Newt needed, really, was a break. Not that he would accept this about himself, not that he wanted one. But after the traumas he'd sustained this past turn, it would be nice if someone could convince him to slow down for five minutes.

Kalesk did not agree with this assessment. It had been a point of contention between her and Kalenna for weeks, and she exited stage left before Kalenna pulled Yuri aside and said quietly, "That boy shouldn't be on the sands after what happened last time. He doesn't even try to come to my wherling lessons anymore, and he's been a thorn in my side since I took Yhimere on. He doesn't go to Lyrnn's lessons, which is even more worrying. I can count on one hand the times I've caught him wandering where he should not be since the hatching. Only one hand. I don't think Fenrimere and Fenrisk understand that there may be a problem, so I'm coming to you instead. We can't expose the wherets to whatever is going on in his head and we can't expose him to whatever is going on in theirs. Talk to him, at least, would you?" She sighed, and added, "Kalesk thinks I'm wrong and the best thing for him is to just keep going. Full disclosure there. But considering she feels no guilt or regret for allowing him to stand for her, despite what happened to him - I'm overruling her on the matter. Though I can't overrule you. Whatever you think is best."

Unaware that the goldhandler was selling him out, Newt returned to the barracks quite late. He was on a dragon candidate's schedule this week, and by now, the dragon candidates were asleep and the wher candidates had left for patrol or chores. He was alone in the common room, and should've been in bed long since. He would tell anyone who asked that he had been lying in wait to ambush some handlers and make friends.

Hopefully no one would ask, because he would have to lie - the truth was that he didn't want to risk a wher speaking to him, because he was feeling fragile because he hadn't slept more than three candlemarks in about a week. And he didn't want to sleep now, because the nightmares were coming more frequently. Which was brutal and unfair, they should get less obnoxious over time, shouldn't they? But there was definitely no way he was subconsciously working himself into a proper meltdown over the upcoming hatching. No way. That would be insane.

And Newt was not insane.

He settled in the chair in front of the fireplace and zoned out, staring into it like the flames contained the secrets of the universe. And maybe he fell asleep with his eyes open, a little. One could always hope.

[kireon]

c8d2ae

Yuri had been, if nothing else, on his feet more often than he was off in the near three months since the painfully bittersweet hatching. Between those who still needed the reassurance, some of it constant despite being newly established Weyrlings and Wherlings, and those who simply needed a shoulder in which to cry, to lean or to feel safe against from the cruel, ruby eyed monsters that haunted their waking and sleeping moments.

He was, in short, a very busy mother"father" in the little trio of Candidatemasters.

Heavy shadows further shadowed the dark skin beneath his green eyes, lack of sleep and grieving of his own had long since taken their toll on him, and there were no shortages of mornings where he simply needed a moment to just be Yuri, handler of Green Yusk, rather than Candidatemaster and authority figure responsible for lives of many. At Kalenna's urging, a door felt heavy and ominous closed down within his heart.

She was right, of course. Between losing a bonded who had just barely touched the heart, and started sinking into the soul, and the absolutely wretched... he couldn't even call it a joke, couldn't even find a good enough word to describe what Jafask had done, he would have been more surprised and concerned had Newt been his usual bouncy, cheerful, and all around rambunctious and overly energetic, fast talking self.

He would never admit to finding it a little comical that Newt seemed to put himself intentionally where, coincidentally, a handler on patrol would just so happen to find him.

If nothing else, the young lad was certainly passionate about his ambition and end goal in life when it came to becoming a wherhandler.

And he would not be the first who was gently asked to sit out for this one, nor would he be the last.

He had consulted with Yusk, wanting his own beloved's opinion on the matter with her sweet, simple personality and views on life, candidacy, and everything in between. What she lacked intellectually, she more than made up for in eternal sweetness and compassion- rare in a wher, and certainly not an ideal trait to have in one whose job it was to protect, guard, and attack upon any trace of a threat.

Her opinion was, like her mind, simple; if the baby's heart wasn't okay, neither would the hatchlings' minds when they opened up to see if he was Their One. She'd added that their "chatterflit" would understand if it were presented in that light, because the last thing he would ever want would be to harm one of his favorite creatures in the whole wide world.

It was his shift in the Barracks, not that he and/or Yusk hadn't been a constant presence anyway, and he'd quietly collected a selection of dried herbs from his collection- one that was going to need drastic replentishing at the alarming rate it disappeared these days- and stored them in their tins for the long night ahead. All natural, all soothing, and all pleasant in scent and taste with the addition of hot water.

Yusk didn't announce her presence, sensing the emotional state of the young candidate like she was prone to doing and instead let her claws tick against the stone floor as she and Yuri entered for the evening. There was disapproval for an instant; the baby should be in bed, not by the fire, but it was warmer there and she found that humans always gravitated to warm places when they were cold inside. She whuffled instead, a noise made by air being gustily snorted through delicate nostrils, and placed herself directly beside Newt's knees. Close enough that she could scootch a handful of centimeters and be touching, but enough that all he'd feel was her body heat and physical presence. For a moment, her eyes- second and third lids closed against the firelight- stared into the heart of the flames, as if trying to see what her baby was looking at, and turned away, lids retracting back to reveal swirling greenish facets.

Poor baby, her poor baby.

"Newt?"

In came the Candidatemaster, a chair in one hand, and a carefully balanced wooden tray in the other. How the man managed to dual wield both without the slightest wobble either spoke of spectacular balance, or turns and turns and turns and turns of practicing the art. Said chair was settled down beside the young man's, Yusk between them, of course, and Yuri paused to hook a stool with the tip of his boot to bring over. The tray was set upon it, the steaming kettle lazily tracing faint white traces in the air.

A friendly smile, tired, yet still the same as it always had been, briefly illuminated the man's dark, stubble covered face with a flash of white. Silence reigned, just for a moment before he inevitably just cut right to the chase. He would spare the boy's feelings as much as possible, yet he would treat him as if he were a proper handler the way he'd shadowed others in hopes of some day skulking the halls, and probably terrifying new recruits with all the information he'd collected on his favorite beings on Pern. "How are you doing?"

There was always gentleness in the broad shouldered man's voice and demeanor, but there was also a lit within his tone that suggested that the truth was being asked of his candidate.

[Cathaline]

Newt was floating, someplace where the thoughts didn't quite coalesce and the darkness didn't quite touch him. It could've been seconds or candlemarks, but he was drawn back to the real, waking world by a soft whuff.

There was a wher by his knees.

The mere fact that Newt flinched violently away from Yusk was proof positive that he was not okay.

"Oh, hi," he covered immediately, and pretended like he was just stretching, raising his arms over his head and linking his fingers together, pulling until his shoulders popped. The yawn was not fake and suited his purposes, and he ordered his heart to stop pounding. He'd been doing that a lot lately - ordering various body parts around, including his own brain. How badly off did you have to be to start fighting with your own brain? Wasn't the brain almost by definition himself?

No, his brain said. I'm not damaged. You're damaged.

Screw you, brain. Now you're just trying to hurt me.

He reached out to pat Yusk's head, scratching right where she liked it, around her headknobs, and glanced fuzzily up at Yuri as the candidatemaster set out the tea. And Newt answered the question instinctively, without thinking. "I'm fine. Long day. Long sevenday, if you want to know the truth. But that's the life of a candidate, right?"

For a moment he searched wildly for words. That never used to happen, but his mind was valiantly trying to click off right now, and Newt fought back against the tide of exhaustion threatening to swallow him. Instead he grabbed some tea and told his hands to stop shaking, stop it, seriously stop it you're making me look stupid, and joked, "It's not laced with fellis, is it? Can't say I'd mind if it was, but it would be totally illegal. I don't want to do anything that's going to get me kicked out." Anything else, he thought, as L'xon's face guiltily swam into his mind.

Bet you'd sleep just fine in his bed, some part of him said. He was way too tired to analyse which part.

Bet I'd wake up screaming and scare him away, Newt countered. Also get caught and exiled. Neither is an optimal outcome for this situation.

If you wanted optimal outcomes, you should have said no.

Oh, please, Conscience. It's the only bloody good thing that's happened to me in the last nine months. Don't I deserve to have good things happen to me?

Don't listen to your conscience, advised the other part. You should go and see him. Not now, obviously. Maybe tomorrow. It's been weeks -

Because Newt's being good! his conscience countered. Because he knows there will be a hatching and if there is and a miracle happens, he has to cut it off clean.

Parts of me are arguing with other parts without my input, Newt thought, and then started and realised he had been silent for entirely too long listening to himself. He sipped his tea as a late cover for it, and croaked, "This is good. Thanks."

[kireon]

For someone so sweet and simplistic, Yusk knew- and she didn't react the way she might have to a perceived insult or hurtful word. Instead, her eyes intensified, going bluer rather than green and her body language remained at ease, relaxed and unthreatening. Pain was there, and he was not the first who'd recoiled without knowing who she was, just seeing the what above all.

But it was a development she sent to Yuri nonetheless.

She leaned against Newt's legs only after his hand reached to scratch her headknobs with a gusty, loving sigh, lids lowering halfway in the contentment of one well petted. Her head drifted to rest on top of one knee, just lightly, not a heavy weight in case he needed to dart to his feet or otherwise go anywhere but outside. If he tried outside, well, she was fleet of foot for a reason. And she doubted he outweighed her. It took two very strong men to lift and carry her- and that was with one man being her Yuri, at that, and she wasn't exactly a large green either; just dense, sleek muscle and powerful bone.

As Yuri settled himself, tea served to his charge first and foremost, the dark skinned man with his stubbled head did the thing he did the best of all.

He listened.

He listened, he took information from the boy's body language, the pitch of his words, his actions, and what was in between all of it. Kalenna was right. Yusk thought so as well; if he were shying away from her, he would fall apart on the sands- and Yuri didn't want another light snuffed out before they had a chance to truly shine.

He blew against the steaming ceramic rim himself before indulging in a cup in solidarity with his candidate. "Thank you, I make it myself. It helps on nights, and days, where the mind won't let the body sleep." A faint ghost of what may have been a slight smile. "Not related to fellis, nor containing any derivative. Just simple herbal blends."

"Newt," came ever the softly spoken name, the gentle tone that did, at times, hurt more than any sternness or shouting could have ever caused, remained. Knowing him, he waited for any babbling, protests, or excuses of recent behavior abnormalities to cease. "you are not in danger of being removed from Candicacy. I want that to be made clear between us, right now."

Hopefully that would help soothe some of the anxiety, the fear, and the need to pretend things were fine when they weren't.

Again, he waited before continuing to speak, carefully sorting out the words he wanted to say against those that may cause more harm than good. "I do, however, want to ask that you sit out on Fenrisk's hatching." Before any protests could come, he spoke again. "I have asked more than just you to do the same, and others have requested to do so on their own. You are not being singled out." This time, at least. Had we been more attentive, we would have seen how intense the damage was and Kalesk's hatching...

There would not be a second hatching like that again, Yuri had promised himself that. There would be better preparations made next time, and they would find some way to keep the damage from being so widespread.

[Cathaline]

Newt came alert instantly and damningly the second being removed from candidacy was mentioned, even if it came with a caveat. Oh, Faranth, does he know? He can't know. How would he know? Does he suspect? Is this my chance to come clean - what happens if I do, to me, to him, to us? Why do they want to get rid of me -

Oh, calm down. He said they're not getting rid of you.

Newt ignored his brain's attempt at peacemaking and blurted out, "Why would you want to get rid of me? Do you? I didn't - I never - I'm cool! I'm better than ever. Didn't Kalenna tell you I stopped gatecrashing Yhimere's lessons? Like, I'm leaving him alone! To work on his bond! I finally listened and did the right thing - "

Only because it freed up the time to do several dozen even wronger things.

Wronger is not a word! You are the stupidest brain I have ever had the displeasure to interface with, and wow, I actually just called myself stupid.

How bad do things have to be for you to start loathing your own brain, do you think?

Well, for starters - I liked you better when you didn't talk back to me. We're supposed to be a team, brain. Always on the same page, remember? That is literally your entire purpose.

Newt's face scrunched up, and he reached up to dig his knuckles into his eyes, shoving his glasses higher on his forehead in the process. He was so, so tired. No wonder concentration was impossible. "You're just asking?" he said, his voice thin. "Not telling? I appreciate that, because my extremely polite and dignified answer is no of course not why would I ever do that. I'm fine - I'm - "

How guilty do you think he feels? his conscience asked. For letting it get this bad in the first place?

Well, that would be absurd. If anyone is to blame for our fragmented condition, it is definitely me. I have to let you off the hook, here, brain. You're doing a pretty admirable job under the circumstances.

I'm going to consider that admission a big step in the right direction, his brain said.

Good! Progress. Progress is good, that means I am totally fit to stand again and they don't know what they're talking about.

And we take a step backward, his conscience whispered.

"You don't understand!" Newt burst out, and then realised that his inner monologue was supposed to remain inner. He frantically tried to assess whether or not he had been voicing any other complaints, and warily decided that no, he had not, he would have heard them. With his ears. "I am just - very tired. All I need is some sleep. That's all. And then I'll be fine again."

Liar, liar, said his brain.

"You drove me to this!" Yes, he heard that, and he hastened to say, "Sorry, I don't mean you. You're awesome. Best Candidatemaster I ever had. I drove me to this. I just. Did you know that sleep deprivation literally drives people out of their minds? It's true. And I guess if you add a few drops of post-traumatic stress on top of that, you get - " He frowned and took his glasses all the way off, the better to rub at his eyes. "It is really bright in here, did you notice? Honestly, I shouldn't be talking about this right now. I'm pretty sure that it's illegal for you to even be listening to this. Because I've essentially been drugged to between and back by my own brain - "

Don't you blame me for this when you're the one who started it.

"And I'm pretty sure when someone is rampantly high - but not, I hasten to assure you, in an illicit way, like we're not talking about fellis, we're talking about just my brain doing this all by itself - you're not allowed to talk to them or take them seriously because it's, like. So unfair. It is just so unfair for me to be talking right now."

It's the right thing to do.

"I don't need to hear from y- my conscience right now," Newt yelped. "I'll stand at the back, okay? I'll get some sleep, which is literally the only thing that is remotely wrong with me, and then. I will stand at the back. And it will be a very lovely hatching, I'm sure. How many of them do you think are going to hatch? I strongly suspect most of them are rocks, but I didn't tell anyone. Didn't want to spoil the surprise. But, you know, I've read records going back centuries and I've never heard of a white having more than, like, three eggs before. Except Jarith had five. Something weird happened there. Do you think something is in the water? Maybe I'm mutating. Do you think that's the problem?"

The problem is that you will not shut up.

"I have to shut up," Newt said. "My brain says I should shut up."

[kireon]

After Newt's rambled, and highly disjointed back-and-forth with himself, and the conversation they were trying to have, Yuri was about to open his mouth to try and convince him the sleep deprivation, and the trauma that was causing it to begin with, was exactly why he should sit it out- when Yusk's eyes fixed on his, a message silent between them.

She would try now.

Yusk took the wher's sensible way into proving their point, and by wher sensibility, she meant the hardway. Everyone worry about baby. Baby not sleep, not be chatterflit. Avoid patrol, avoid wher, not be shadow everywhere and be drag back to nest like naughty baby in long time. She informed Newt of her observations. She expected him to flinch or to shy away completely.

Yellow tinged blue eyes opening more than the half-lidded, relaxed state they'd been in as she gave him a sideways look from one large, softly glowing eye. Baby sad, Yusk know. Baby hurt, baby cry when try sleep, and even when sleep. Yusk hear all, Yusk watch all baby, keep safe where Yusk can. A sad look came across her delicate features. Yusk not able to protect from heart-sick, no one able drive away that.

The soft green wher nudged his leg gently, leaning a little more against him as she tried to soften her words. Everyone need time out. Yuri take two before meet Yusk long time ago. Rest, find happy, get strong, come back for baby. Run and stalk new wheret, teach new babies how wher work, that Newt who Yusk like most. Like happy Newt, want back soon, okay? Yusk nuzzled him again, giving something that might have been a wher's attempt at purring like a contented feline crossed with the hum of her species. Yusk know Newt be smartest and know Yusk right, know that Yuri want best for all babies, that why here in Dalibor. Where all want best for baby.

Satisfied with her input, she leaned more heavily on him, adding one last thing. When ready, Yusk promise be practice for Newtbaby. Newt best prepared when wher come around that way. Apparently Yusk was confident he would, with time, reImpress.

Yuri just gave a baffled look towards his bonded, quickly covering it back up. Apparently she was of the rather opinionated mood as of late, rather than indulgent as always. He'd have to check to make sure she wasn't about to Run any time in the near future. He didn't have time for that. "Your brain," he said after a long, long moment of thinking. "needs rest, and time to process, sort out, and cope with all that has happened- and you have been through a great deal, Newt. More than some very fortunate handlers, riders, and weyrfolk ever endure in their whole lives. What you have experience has broken strong men and women, and they too, needed time away and to heal."

The mutating comment came back to him, and he shook his head. "You aren't mutating, my boy. You're exhausted, sleep deprived, and will likely end up seeing pink woolbeast where there are none before too long." That was personal experience kicking in, and he was not about to get into the tale of pink woolbeasts by a combination of sleep deprivation and several too many skins of filtched wine in a time long passed.

"As Yusk mentioned, there are too many indicators, evidence, if you would, of too much stress going on in here," he gestured first to the heart, and then to the head. "and it will only be a matter of time before it affects the rest of you in the form of some pesky autumn chill that turns into something absurd. I would rather it not happen, stress-illness is particularly the worst." He cleared his throat, finishing off the tea in his cup. "That is why I do wish you to consider my request, I do not want to have to turn it into an order."

That was an admission on his end, not a threat. He would do it, especially if things kept going the way they were with him. He hated being the bad guy, absolutely loathed it, but it would be the best thing for him, even if the youth may not forgive him for it for a good, long time after. A contemplative look, searching for something, anything, that could possibly help him work this out so that everyone would "win" in the end.

"I do not think you need to 'shut up', as it were," he commented, finally. "perhaps talking about it, as much as you need to- and it sounds as if you need to- may help lessen the burden that's on your heart and mind."

[Cathaline]

"Stop."

It was a silent whisper, the word itself not making it quite past the lips that mouthed it. Newt dropped his glasses into his lap so he could raise his trembling hands to his head, clamping them down over his ears. But that wouldn't shut her out. Nothing could shut her out, this sweet, gentle, loving girl who just wanted to protect him, to make him well. And Newt loved her - she would be able to feel that, of course, there was no way for someone who was speaking to him to avoid that.

He adored her, but it hurt.

"Stop," he repeated, and the harder she leaned on him, the further he leaned away until finally something snapped, and he tore free of the weight of her body and scrambled over the back of the chair; it would have fallen except that the wall was there, and he ended up balanced precariously on top, like he would literally start climbing walls any minute now. One hand held himself up and the other stayed on his ear, and his eyes, reddened now with more than exhaustion, fixed on Yuri.

And Newt listened, he listened because anything that he heard with his ears instead of his soul was good, and finally, he said, his voice well past breaking, "Okay, I'll do it, I don't care, I don't care, just make her stop, please, make her stop!"

[kireon]

"Yusk!"

The command was sharp and immediate upon the boy's first word, Yusk jerking to attention and immediately threw herself into a clumsy roll away from him with a short, hoarse bark of surprise. Her eyes the yellow of alarm, shading towards hurt as she looked, immediately, around for any sign of threat, or danger that would have caused that tone out of Yuri. Not understanding that her plan had worked only too well, that it wasn't necessarily her physical presence that bothered him, but her voice, she looked woundedly from Newt to Yuri and back again, expression clearly wondering what she'd done that was wrong and bad.

Go check on the others, Yusk. I'll take care of matters from here. He ordered, gentler this time with a surge of affection and love sent his sensitive lady's way.

Yusk bad?[/i] She asked Yuri anxiously, hesitating to leave as the baby was upset and Yuri was feeling upset despite being really good at not showing it. Yusk be bad? Do bad?[/i]

He wanted to cry for her, the poor darling. If things were different, Newt would likely do the same. As it was, the wher leaving was going to hurt enough and likely make him feel worse than he did already because of it. No, baby girl. You aren't bad, you're a good girl. Baby hurts, remember? Go check on the other babies, and Newt will need you to help keep him safe later.

Her eyes widened as she looked to Newt again, searching wildly for injury from her position. Yusk hurt? Where hurt? How? Bad Yusk for hurt![/i] She asked her handler frantically, not smelling blood, but pain nonetheless.

Sometimes, the green chose the most inopportune times to be the stubborn personality her hide was famous for. Yusk. Babies first, I will handle this.

Yusk sorry...[/i] She told Yuri, wounded by his continued order. Her eyes tore themselves from the precariously balanced Candidate as she turned away and slunk off, head lowered dejectedly, to go check on the other, hopefully sleeping, babies in the barracks.

Ahh, that one hurt. A lot.

"You can come down, Newt, she won't do it anymore unless you ask her to." Yuri turned to the boy, still remaining calm despite the outburst. His analysis of the boy's state had gone rather accordingly, and Kalenna had managed to see past the facade, far deeper than he had- and for that, he was ashamed. To think he was so deeply wounded that even hearing a voice...

A third mug remained on the tray, and he filled it, leaving the other where it lay on the floor from the boy's hasty retreat up the chair. He leaned down, plucking the glasses from their precarious position halfway off of the cushion and cleaned them off, holding them out like a peace offering to the broken candidate. "Here," and the newly poured ceramic container held out to him after. "this will help, a little, as well."

If Newt felt the need for an explanation, Yuri would wait, patiently, to hear it.

[Cathaline]

"I'm sorry!"

Newt's voice cracked the silence like a pistol, just before Yuri spoke, and he clammed up again, white as a sheet. He would die before he hurt a wher, and in this moment, he wanted to. She was wrong, he was broken far beyond repair, nothing could save him now. He made a sound that was half-cough and half-sob, and passed his hand over his stinging eyes.

After a long moment, he accepted the glasses, rammed them back on his face like a shield, and slid bonelessly down the cushion and back into his seat. He didn't touch the cup yet because his hands were still shaking.

"I'm hearing voices," he whispered. "But all the voices are me. It's like being a shattered mirror, and it's bad enough when everything reflected back is me, but when there's something else in here too, it's a sharding nightmare. And it's getting worse. Going between - that's getting worse, too. Isn't this supposed to get better with time? With distance? I'm supposed to get better but nothing I do works. I tried being normal and then I tried being good and what else is left, am I supposed to be bad?"

Newt made a violent snatch for the mug and took a drag on it, then put it back down and shoved himself out of his seat so he could pace, gesticulating wildly. "I mean, do you know the value of pain?" he demanded. "Do you know why we hurt? It's because if we didn't hurt we would be too stupid to take our hand out of the fire. Except this is me, in the fire. This is my whole soul in the fire. My brain wants absolutely nothing to do with me, my conscience is rolling her eyes - is that normal, that I think my conscience is a girl, like, is that amazingly sexist or is this a part of my current identity crisis, what's up with that - and I don't even know what else is in here, except I am not operating up to standard and I will not stand for it. But I can't fix it either. And nobody knows. Nobody experiences this the same way. Most people never experience this at all. So it's just me, but I'm not whole, and nobody else can help, and everybody keeps trying to, and that's the worst part, because I'm full of shards of glass and all you can do is jostle them and make me cut myself even - "

Newt paused, and his face rearranged itself into a pensive expression. "Oh," he said. "It's getting worse. That was a revelation, all right."