The dreams in which I'm dying (open)

[princesal]

warning: symptoms typical of a breakdown/panic attack, guilt, selfblame

Harri calm. Please, please Harri calm. Help! Help Harrisk. Those were the panicked mental cries of a little brown wher whose eyes were an alarming shade of fear. Harrisk looked scared, and so tiny, and there was a weird keening noise coming from the little cinnamon body.

Harri couldn't breathe. It felt like something was wrapped around his throat and lungs, constricting until he was gasping for breath that wouldn't come.

There had been so much happening, and then Harrisk was hungry, and sleepy, and wanted to snuggle up to Harri. The man had looked like he was on top of the world. Eyes lively, a smile on his face. He wasn't that good at talking to so many people, still a bit uncomfortable, it felt nice to be around others though. It felt good to take care of Harrisk, to make sure he had what he needed, whether it be just a simple scratch, or another piece of food. The blood bond between them had been humming happily. There was happiness and contentment flowing between them.

All it had taken was one of the smaller children of the weyr running past, delight bubbling up into laughter.

Harri had been smiling.
And then he wasn't anymore.

Suddenly, everything went wrong. It felt like everything went wrong.

Heartbeat racing.
Sweating.
Couldn't catch a breath. Couldn't breathe.
Couldn't think.

He didn't want to hurt Harrisk, but the panic that was cloaking him. He couldn't even talk, and Hand was making movements, jagged and sharp, and uncomfortable looking. Nothing looked comfortable about Harri anymore. Movements were wrong, he looked... wild.

Standing up, he tried to back away calmly, but it didn't work. He stumbled and his back hit against the wall. Everything was closing in, nothing was right.

He knew it.
He had to get back to the Holdless! No no no, Harrisk. He couldn't. He couldn't! His heart felt like someone was trying to rip it out. Leaning against the wall, Hand's jagged movement ripped half of his nail onto the stone wall, slamming against it, scraping against it.

Harri! Harrisk hurts! No hurt. Everything right. Hurts!

It all felt out of control, and he couldn't stop himself from making a scene. He couldn't go back, but that meant that they were lost forever. The last five turns of his life, of waiting, or trying to get past the fact that his children had been ripped away from him. Now he had just Impressed. He'd never see them again. But he had Harrisk. Oh Faranth, Harrisk.

For all the life of him, the little brown couldn't comprehend what was going on with his Harri, he felt out of control, he felt scared, he wanted to run away, but he also wanted to wrap himself around Harri and utterly destroy what had hurt him. But thoughts were flashing faster then he could get his wher mind around, there was so much pain, and it hurt him. Help! Help Harri Help!

"C-can't... I can't breathe." His words were strained, and he sounded scared. Harri was scared, because he felt like everything was falling apart, everything he had tried to work towards was dissolving in front of his eyes. She had probably sent a firelizard the moment he left. He never should have left... but then Harrisk would have... wouldn't have...

Eyes that weren't looking at anything darted around the room, and it was like he was back all those turns again. Waking up in an empty house... knowing that she had taken them before he even saw their rooms. It was so real. Maybe he was still there. Maybe he had never left, maybe he had been able to do the deed that night, and this was his reward. Having all the joy ripped away from him, and reliving the moments he found them gone. It's what he deserved.

Harrisk was crying for his Harri, for his Hand. They had just found each other, Harrisk held on with desperation, he didn't want to lose him. Come back! No leave Harrisk! The fact that Harrisk was still there, still calling Harri, the desperate pleas of a babe, looking terrified and small, meant there was still hope.

[Gray]

Matilda clung to A'til, hobbling alongside him, her brother holding her crutch in one hand. She had got fixed up quickly, constantly insisting they focus on the others who were far more hurt than she. Still, her legs and foot were bandaged and she gingerly followed along. A'til hadn't spoke much to her, the young man still pale from the hatching.
“You should be resting.”

Matilda sighed and leaned heavily on A'til.
“And you should know by now that I never rest.” She gave him a silly grin, and A'til just shook his head. She would rest, that he would make sure of. But Matilda insisted on trying to see if she could meet any of the new Weyrlings or Wherlings and congratulate them. A'til figured this was the best way to burn off what remained of her adrenaline rush. So he let her limp along beside him.
“Oh A'til is that Harri? Hey Harri!”

Something wasn't right. No, it wasn't right at all. A'til stiffened, squeezing Matilda's shoulder. The girl noticed something wrong too, and nudged her bother with an elbow. The two made their way over as quickly as they could, A'til lowering Matilda to sit on a bench while approaching Harri with open hands.

“Harri, Harri calm down. What's wrong?” Matilda asked, looking between Harri and Harrisk. Had something happened to their bond? Her gut twisted uncomfortably at the thought. No, it couldn't have been that, Harri was too good for that to happen. Matilda patted her lap a bit
“Come on up here little one, we'll take care of you and Harri. Don't worry, we'll help!”

A'til also glanced at the little brown.
“Harri, you're scaring him. Come sit with us. We'll talk about what;s wrong, ok? Come on. We'll get you something warm to drink, and get a blanket for you if you aren't feeling well. We'll make sure you and Harrisk are ok. Holdless stick together, you know.” A'til was trying to use the calmest voice he could, the one he had used to soothe scared runners and herdbeasts when they were stealing them. The one he used for Matilda when they were really little. Neither really understood things like this, but they did understand that a friend was hurt. Maybe not physically, but hurt none the less.

[princesal]

It's all he could see.

Lighting the lantern, holding his breath and praying that the feeling inside his gut wasn't right. Opening the door and wishing anything that he saw his little princess sleeping, golden curls framing her sweet face. But the bed was empty. Not just empty... it was warm. As if she had just been sleeping there.

Harri didn't see A'til, could barely hear him. Couldn't break through the painful fog of memory. Instead he was reaching out, touching where her covers had been, touching the pillow. Bringing it to his face. Knowing that they were gone, all three of them.

Outside of his own mind, Harri looked almost crazed. Eyes wide to the point of looking like a spooked runnerbeast, white visible all the way around the blue iris, shot pupils. Nostrils flared. Skin pale and clammy. He was nearly shaking on the spot. His breath was labored, like he had been running for his life.

Never again, he'd never seen them again. Turns later... it was turns later, and there hadn't been a single word, a single parchment. Now there would never be, and it was all his fault. All his stupid fault. Why had he agreed? When Sol had told him, had offered, it was exciting. He'd be gone for the the day, and return to the Island. Then... then he'd wait.

He'd grow old waiting, he'd die waiting.

Harrisk was trembling by now, and scrambled onto Matilda's lap the moment she had patted it, claws dug into her legs, too scared to notice if he drew blood. The wheret was terrified, and didn't like feeling this way, he wanted to get rid of the feeling. Harrisk hurt! Harri hurt! Hand hurt! Make bad stop! Harri! His entire world was Harri, and he was watching his world fall apart.

He couldn't calm down, physically he couldn't feel himself calming down. Trapped in his nightmare, it was his own fault. They had left because of him. Because he wasn't good enough, he had never been good enough. Not good enough for a dragon, not good enough for his mom, not good enough for his wife, not good enough for his children. He couldn't even blame Hand, because Hand was him. It was all his fault. He drove them away, never good enough, not enough. His pulse was racing, and his memory ran from room to room, looking for anything.

Hoping... just hoping that it wasn't true.

But it was, they were gone. He knew they were never coming back... which was why he had taken the knife...

Harrisk go bye? If his Harri didn't want him, if his Hand didn't want him. He dug his claws into Matilda's legs, unable to help himself, wanting any purchase, wanting to get rid of his Harri's pain, anyway he could. Was he the cause of the pain? Was it his fault.

It was that moment of Harrisk's self-blame, that allowed A'til's soft voice to cut through the memory, tearing it open, ripping it to shreds. Harri gasped, as the world swam back into vision. Everything was too loud, too bright, it all hurt. He was hurting someone else too, digging his claws through soft skin. Harri felt like he was shaking, and with a snap, realized that it was Harrisk.

Harrisk looking scared, and confused, shaking like like the last leaf trying to desperately hold onto it's branch. He didn't know what to check for, what if he had just ruined their bond. Looking at A'til, that juvenile fear was clear in Harri's eyes, older then them, but suddenly so young. Suddenly he was a child again, and being more or less told that he'd never have a wher because he was 'crazy just like his uncle.' "I... I'm so sorry. D-did I ruin..."

Even though Harri was sweaty, and his heart was still pounding, and he was nowhere near 'okay', it was all Harrisk needed. He knew his Harri was different, knew he was special, but Harrisk knew that he was Harrisk's. He launched himself off of Matilda, almost like his legs suddenly had springs, and ran at Harri full tilt, scrambling up his front until he was able to huddle under his chin. Harri no go away. Harrisk need Harri. Harrisk need Hand. Harrisk scared.

His knees gave out, and he slid to the floor, back against the wall, not caring that he was in the middle of Dalibor's dining hall... that it was in front of others... maybe this was a calm before the storm, but he had already lost so much. If he lost Harrisk too. People probably thought he was already a cry baby, but right now he didn't care, and was openly sobbing, arms wrapped around Harrisk, not wanting to let go. Friends help. Friends. Sol. Eccolath. ... boy and girl. "[Matilda and Amontillado.]" Have Harrisk. Harrisk never leave. N-no make Harrisk leave... please?

Harrisk didn't even mind Harri's dripping nose and tears on his brown hide. His Harri needed cry. His Harri and his Hand were full of tears. "[Well... fancy meeting you two here. Can you help the poor sod stand?]"

[Gray]

Matilda had offered her lap to the wheret, so she wasn't upset when he jumped up. Though the scratches hurt a bit and she winced. Right now, it was more important that he had some place to sit where he wouldn't be in trouble of getting hurt by accident. She could put up with pain. If anything, the Healers would be more annoyed that they had to re-bandage her up.
“It's ok, we're going to do what we can, ok?” Though she wasn't sure how well A'til could handle this situation. Harri looked like a wild animal ready to bolt.

A'til continued trying to break through to Hari, and Matilda watched with worry written plainly across her face. Poor Harrisk, she gently patted the small brown. A'til looked back to her and the brown, and knew he had to keep up. Mentally, he called for Asperath's attention, just in case he needed the seafoam dragon's help to break through. But thankfully they didn't need that intervention. The words got through.
“It's ok Harri, I think everything is ok.” A'til was not very knowledgeable about Whers, but he didn't think their bonds broke that easily. If Harrisk had been a dragon, there might have been trouble. But Whers were sturdy creatures. He stepped back a bit, giving Harri some space, and just in time too since Harrisk sprung from Matilda's lap. 'Tilda hissed as pressure pressed her legs against the bench but quickly smoothed any hint of the pain from her face.

A'til placed a hand on Matilda's shoulder and looked at Harri and Harrisk.
Gets to you a bit, doesn't it? There was no teasing in the Viridian's words, just a warm rumble.
Harri's always been a good guy. Helpful. Polite. A bit odd, but then again, I'm related to Matilda so that's not much. He smiled a bit and Matilda nudged him as Hand introduced them.
“Oh, it's A'til now. You've got to meet Asperath when you're feeling better.” He added as an after thought. Not that he figured Harri or Harrisk were listening. He didn't mind either.

Grabbing her crutch, Matilda stood a bit wobbily.
“Fancy meeting us here? Well fancy meeting you here! When did you guys get here? A'til come on, I can't lift him on my own. Harri, you can keep hold of Harrisk. We got you.” A'til nodded, standing quickly and going to Harri's other side.
“I'll do most the lifting. Matilda you just help with what you can.”

[Chimera]

L'nor didn't notice much. He noticed it, when it happened.

He'd been in the Dining Hall, and Mattoth had been waiting nearby where he wouldn't get in the way of the ever-flowing crowd of people in the hall.

And then something happened to Harri.

He'd had always been an enigma, just as the rest of the Holdless had been to L'nor. But he was one of the kinder people in the group, and had Impressed a happy brown wher at the double-hatching - one of the fewer nice hatchlings to come out of that event. Though he was older than L'nor, the brownweyrling's nature kicked in and he rushed over to help.

"'Oly shells..." He murmured to himself. Mattoth, for once, displayed an open emotion - worry.

What's happening? I can help if needed.

No, Matt, just stay where you are for now. Alright?

Alright.

...And A'til and Matilda were already helping. They were odd as well, but that was the least of L'nor's concerns right now. And besides, L'nor admired A'til for his courage and protectiveness of Matilda. They were nearly two peas in a pod.

"Where d'ye need me t'help?" He asked, looking at Matilda as he did so. She still had a crutch, and was in no condition to help. "Matilda, yer still recoverin'. Don' push yerself too hard either."

"Harri, jus'...jus' try ta stay calm as much as ye can, alright? We're here for ye." He took a deep breath and exhaled, trying to be as calm as his stoic of a dragon as he talked to him and Harrisk. If he couldn't, then that wouldn't help Harrin or his wher - or his hand - out.

Asperath? Mattoth's mind searched for the viridian. He was concerned - this was not good. L'nor was worried, Harri and Harrisk were worried and the former of that pair was having a panic attack...He needed to do his part, despite what L'nor said in his desire to protect the baby dragonet. Though Mattoth couldn't reach into minds and look at them like he had as an unbonded hatchling, he went from the location of L'nor's mind to the stress-center that was Harrin's current brain, and he sent a message to where he hoped he and the others could hear it - though it wasn't a message of words, it was of image and emotion. He sent pictures of the sea, of the Weyr Bowl, of happy hatchlings of all sorts finding theirs successfully - he sent the calm sun on a calm day, the calm moons on a calm night, and the calm that dominated his own personality.

[princesal]

Harri didn't feel well at all, he felt sick to his stomach, and his nerves were fizzling, and felt entirely frayed. The sensation of vulnerability made him nervous, as he had avoided doing things like this in front of anyone. He lived alone for a reason. Now... now he just felt so bad for what he had just done. Any effort to calm his expression, or to stop weeping was met with hurdles and difficulty. It was like every time he stopped, he would take a breath and start all over again.

When Matilda crutched over to him, and Am-A'til. When he felt someone touch him, he jerked violently enough to smack the back of his head against the wall with a loud thud. Feeling utterly useless right now, and like everything he could possibly do was wrong, that just brought on fresh tears. Hand's words wavered, but oddly enough, they were nothing like the sobbing mush that would have come out of Harri's mouth, if Harri tried to say anything. "[Was here to see the hatching, actually, bloody thing that it was. You seemed to have gotten hurt yourself. Sol, she's the rider of Cyan Eccolath, brought us. Never thought in a million turns that Harrisk...]"

Hand fell silent, instead resting on Harrisk's back, trying to sooth the trembles away. Harrisk found the hurt finger, with the missing bit of nail, and licked away the blood, offering comfort in their bond. He had been scared, and knew that his Harri was still hurting, but it would get better. Especially with lots of friends. These two were friends, and they had friends. Harrisk was determined to make the entire weyr their friends, because Harri needed to know that people cared about him. Harri good?

Not really, but he sniffled and nodded, and that seemed enough for Harrisk to feel better. Harri wasn't going to bad brain place, but there were bad thinkings still happening, and he still had leaky eyes. Harrisk hungry. No want sleep yet. Harrisk could do what baby anythings were really good at, and ask for the love and attention that all newborns (or newly hatched) beings needed.

Harri needed that, he needed to be needed so badly right now that he ached for it. Even as A'til and Matilda helped him up, he was just looking at Harrisk, his legs felt like lead, and didn't want to really cooperate. "[Sharding wherry brained- use your sharding legs, Harri. I can't control those poles!]" Hand snapped, before going to back to itching Harrisk's side, the baby had a big itch there. Harri legs no work? Harrisk get leg meat food?

The strange comment, obviously a joke, actually had Harri choking on a sob mixed with a laugh. By this time he was leaning against the same wall he had had a veritable fit against. His breathing was still was quick, and his heartbeat rapid, but he wasn't about to die, even if he had felt like he was. The sudden mental images that a helpful dragon gave him helped a little as well, and he tried to concentrate on them. The biggest help was that he had Harrisk, and Harrisk needed him more than anyone else did... he couldn't hurt him by catering to ghosts... not right now. Reaching up to wipe his face, the tears still fell, and he still felt mostly hollow, and cold, except for the bits where Harrisk filled right in. But the wheret was still small, and there was a lot of missing pieces. Looking up at the tw-three, three of the Holdless Children. They had found their place, A'til had Impressed, and as he looked at Lanorun, he was sure he had Impressed too . They weren't Holdless anymore.

"I... I'm so sorry. I'm better now. I'm sorry. P-pardon my... my... [Oh come off it, Harri. If these three-hey Lanorun, nice of you to join this party- are going to judge you they would have already.] I'm alright... [Every Holdless over the age of ten probably is just as strange.]" Harrisk looked happy that there was another friend here, another person that Harri knew. Harrisk was happy that his Harri and Hand already knew so many people. How many people were in the weyr? Harrisk got out of the cuddle hold that Harri's arm provided, clawing up to a shoulder, his solid build looked funny trying to balance on a shoulder and look at the three children. Friends. All friends.

Harri couldn't take it anymore, seeing these three just reminded him of their encampment, reminded him how much he had missed seeing them, even if he was usually just quietly going along his business. It was incredibly obvious when he moved forward that he was going to wrap up the nearest child in his arms and hug them. "Missed you all so much. [And now he's going to squeeze the life out of you when really he should be sitting.]" Yes! Harrisk approved of this life squeezing.

[Gray]

All at once there seemed to be a flurry of activity. Matilda leaned heavily against her crutch as she went to get underneath his other side. Then Lanorun was there, and Harri thrashed, only hurting himself more.
“Tilda careful. Don't scare him.” The girl shot him a glare. She knew to be careful! She wasn't an idiot. She eased up a bit.
“Harri, Harri it's ok. Lanorun if you could help keep him stable once he's up. I don't think I should b putting so much pressure on my foot.” A'til nodded to the fellow weyrling, and he could feel Asperath prickling at the back of his head. Of course, Lanorun had impressed, His name was different now. He'd get to that in a moment.

A'til nodded a bit as Hand spoke. So Sol was the one. He'd have to thank her if he saw her.
“Come on Harri, listen to Lanorun. Be careful not to choke when you breath. Just take it carefully.” His eyes flicked around the room. Lanorun's brown, was he ok as well? This wasn't the best place for young bondeds of any kind. He hoped it didn't put much strain on the dragonet.

Out near the lake, Asperath perched on a rock.
Yes Mattoth, I am here. Don't worry. Mine and his sister are there. Yours is there. All will be ok, I can feel it. The older dragon tried to sooth the younger like A'til had tried with Harri.
Do what you can to help. If needed get them out here and I'll help! This was one of the times the viridian disliked growing. If he was small, he could possibly fit in with them. But for now he could do nothing but also send soothing images.

Back with the humans, Matilda puffed up a bit.
“Oh pardon nothing Harri! There's nothing to be ashamed of or to be pardoned. Like hand says, we're not going to judge you. Like you didn't see A'til and I as gross messes after a fight with Amora, or a fight with each other. I'm sure even Lanorun's had moments like this. It's something that happens to folks.” A'til nodded and patted Harri's shoulder.
“Not the way I would have put it, but she and Hand are right. We're not going to judge you.” Matilda beamed at her brother. Sometimes she forgot that he really was a good person underneath all that bitterness.

Then there was hugging. A'til backed away a bit, not exactly comfortable with such affection. At least, he wouldn't admit that he was. But Matilda moved in for a hug.
“We missed you too! Did you get my letters? I tried to send Lachesis, but you know she's kind of loopy when it comes to directions.”

[Chimera]

"A'course." L'nor nodded. Harri was not up yet, but once he was, the the strong Weyrling could very well help keep him stable. He could feel Mattoth's concern in his mind, layered under the usual passiveness of the dragonet. For once it was L'nor that sent waves of calmness through their bond to the brown, not the other way around.

"Take it slowly." Matilda was doing most of the talking - L'nor was comfortable with only echoing her words for now. Even grumbling could wait. It was a mystery to him how even in mental breakdowns, Harri's split personality of a Hand was perfectly calm. So it had been Sol...of course, a rider, who brought Harri to the Weyr. Apparently a different cyan and her rider had brought the first wave of Holdless children to the Weyr. It did unsettle the opinion on riders carefully nurtured by his bitter father through his life and the man's end that still was a presence in L'nor's mind. He'd have to make a mental note, cyans and their riders seemed to be more of a use and...ergh, nicer so far.

L'norOwn, he is strong. He knows what to do. Mattoth looked up at the older viridian, the rare specks of yellow in his teal eyes fading away. He reassured himself with those words. Still, he was much calmer than he was when L'nor had initially rushed over to help Harri. Everything would be fine, though he'd do his part to help if he needed to be a source of support as well. In fact, he already was doing so with the images he had sent to Harri.

Maybe...you should go outside with the others. The sub-king dragonet mentioned privately to L'nor. That way he and Asperath could help more, as well.

I'll ask in a second.

"Oi, don' say that. No one's judgin' ye. 'Tis al'right. Amon an' Matilda are entirely right." L'nor raised an eyebrow when Matilda said she was sure even he had moments like that. Well, it wasn't entirely false.

When Harri went forward to hug, L'nor awkwardly shuffled a little back like A'til.

He and his siblings had never been truly part of the Holdless group, but he had felt alienated in the Weyr among so many strange people, even with his remaining family.

"Missed ye too." The weyrling sighed. "We're all together nae, though." He stayed still for a moment, thinking if he should act on his dragonet's advice. "We can go outside, get some fresh air if ye'd like. Helps the mind." L'nor said quietly. "Take it slow, though, no hurry, alrigh'?"

[princesal]

As soon as Harri had his arms around Matilda, he was hugging her like he had been afraid for her life, rather than his own. It was hard not to just start crying again, and he was pretty aware of how ridiculous he probably looked. A full grown man, wringing his eyes out on the shoulder of a young woman. He felt pathetic, and exhausted, and lost, yet grounded because of Harrisk who used the new shoulders of Matilda to better balance himself.

Raising his hand up, Harri covered his eyes with his thumb and index finger, not even Hand piped up when the tears started to roll down his cheeks again. He felt like he had just run a mental marathon, starting out from the shock and euphoria at impressing, rounding around at the sudden right-ness, and then crashing at the feelings of immediate loss. The fit had left him rung out, his heart still pounding, his emotions in a storm, and a clinginess that he often didn't display (that Matilda was getting the brunt, if not all, of).

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Sniffing he used the purple kerchief tied around his wrist to swipe at his face, and finally forced himself to let Matilda free of his hug. It had offered a lot of comfort that words would never be able to. He knew that it was probably silly, but sometimes all he needed was someone willing to be hugged on, to allow him to just let go of some of the emotional turmoil, guilt, blame, and other negativity he put himself through almost daily. It took a weight off his shoulders, and he couldn't explain it.

When Harri let go, and moved himself away just a little, Harrisk had almost fallen, but quick reflexes had him digging his claws into his Harri's shirt, and while he was careful to not touch skin, those sharp little needle like claw tips would be leaving a few rows of dots. Harri didn't mind, and without thinking, had lifted an arm to steady the recently hatched brown. Harri better? Hand find, Harri better? Harri didn't say anything back, he just sent love through their bond, which put as close to a smile as was possible on a little wher face.

"I-" The question about the letters had made him pause, and he didn't know how to tell Matilda that after so many of the children had been Searched, that he had crawled into a bottle he had had no plans to fall out of. He did distinctly remember when her flit had appeared...

As he pulled the crude container away from his lips, the last drops of the fruity drink slid down his numb throat. Everything was pretty much numb at that point, but he'd rather be numb that feel the loss of what was missing. His home was in a state of mess that it hadn't been for turns, and as he looked around with bleary, blood-shot, eyes, there was no will to organize any of it. The distinct smell of spoiled meat hung in the air, but Harri didn't know if it was actual meat somewhere that had gone bad, or if it was his own ripe self. It was easier to be numb.

The sound of a pop, but not exactly a pop, filtered through his senses, and he was on his wobbly feet, and stumbling to walk a straight line, a shot of hope slicing through him like a hot blade. He hadn't had a visit from a firelizard since the last and what he had been told was final, message from Nishka. His drunk mind zoomed around the possibilities. That tiny bit of hope sent him sprawling on his face more than once, trying to get to the chirping little creature watching him, waving it's leg at him, a piece of hide being held in a clutching talon grip.

When he finally got close enough, his expression was as sour as his breath, having connected that while the flitter looked familiar, it was neither Peri nor Skope. His hands had been clumsy, with a bit of peevishness to them, but even at his most upset, and addled, he was able to give the firelizard a scritch.

When he opened the hide, the words swam in front of his vision, like the ocean waves, and then the message was gone as he got sick on it, never knowing who had sent it. Subsequent letters were handled with better care, but it wasn't until he had finally sobered up that he was able to read them. As soon as he did the immediate guilt at not sending anything back, or having a letter ready firelizard to zoom off messages, hit, and he had been embarrassed to write back. He was never very good at correspondence anyway. Who wanted to hear from an old man anyway?

Or that had been his thinking until Matilda mentioned them, and it worked like a charm as a distraction as his face heated up to the point that flushing tears pin-pricked his eyes instead of sorrowful ones. "Yes, I did. I didn't wr-... I'm sorry I didn't write back. I thought I would just be a nuisance to your new life..."

Harrisk snorted a couple times, before nuzzling against Harri's head, No worry Harri. Friend be understand.

It was L'nor's suggestion about going outside that had Harri nodding, that tight feeling around his neck still made it feel like there wasn't enough air inside, his chest felt tight, and being outside probably would make him feel better. If simply for the chance of being able to step back into a shadow if he needed to. "[Never thought I'd be glad to see any of you three, but I've been proven wrong. Lead the way!]" Hand was as charming as ever, and Harrisk tried to stress the word 'Friend', but that was pretty much the way Hand treated everyone, and something Harrisk was going to have to get used to.

By the time they were outside, some of the color would have come back to Harri's face, he was being exceptionally quiet though, as was Hand (compared to usual), and would be happy to let the others fill the silence. "Can you tell me what you've all been doing since you left?" Harrisk had crawled into Harri's arms by now, and was contentedly lapping up the attention, especially because it was a soothing repetition for his, and it included Hand too. Harrisk knew this was a good thing, a good activity, even if he kept having to crane his head this way and that to try and see his three new friends.[/size]