What Have I Done? (Fidelli)

[4horseshowgirl4]

Don't you wanna go for a ride?
Just keep your hands inside
And make the most out of life
Now don't you take it for granted

How they'd made it back to the infirmary, B'nyur didn't know. He certainly didn't remember that stretch of time betwee... even that word, even used out of context, brought a fresh wave of grief over B'nyur. He pressed his face further into the pillow of the cot that was normally used for patients, but B'nyur was certainly ill at mind at the moment. Besides, he was in charge of the infirmary. No one would care. He had been lying there, body rent all but useless in his present state of being, for candlemarks. Or perhaps it had only been seconds, but they had stretched out to feel like a day apiece. Many times, Oveth had ambled over to His, the Blue's depression now more due to feeding off of His's than his own recollection of the event. Oveth's memory was feeble at best, and considering he was trying his hardest to forget it... B'nyur envied him.

Life is like a mean machine
It made a mess out of me
It left me caught between
Like an angry dream I was stranded
I was stranded

He was trying to escape the fact that it was his fault. His mind was jumping all over the place, desperately searching for someone or something else on whom to pin the blame. It was F'del's fault for being addicted to fellis and not being able to teach. It was the leaders' fault for making him teach when he was so inexperienced. It was Succoth's fault for being impatient. It was Zyyenikkichikith's fault for not paying attention and getting to the ground like she was supposed to. It was Coath's fault for stupidly going between without a destination. He knew it was his fault for not paying attention and accepting the job even when he knew he didn't know the group well enough. But he couldn't let it be his fault. He couldn't. Weren't their deaths enough pain for him? Why did more have to be added? He was curled inside himself, battling his own feelings and shutting everyone, even Oveth and Shanza, out. He couldn't even deal with himself; how could he deal with others?

And I'm steady but I'm starting to shake
And I don't know how much more I can take

B'nyur had always prided himself on his work. And he'd always tried to be as steady as he could, for his patients if not for himself. He was not easily unnerved. Even when B'rak had come onto him from the effects of flightlust and alcohol all those Turns ago, he had mostly kept his cool. But that was a happy thought, and happy thoughts had no place in his mind now. It was awful for him to try to be happy when he'd just killed three Weyrlings and their dragons. He couldn't bear this. He couldn't. Something had to give.

Grief. Misery. Regret.

Pain.

Pain beyond belief.

This is it now
Everybody get down
This is all I can take
This is how a heart breaks

Oveth knew His wasn't right. Shanza knew it, too. She knew it because she was soon to Fly, and B'nyur hadn't yet noticed. She felt offended, but also deeply disturbed. This was not the man to whom she had Impressed... could a broken-hearted Healer really be a Healer, really take care of her eggs like she trusted him to? Oveth, though, was shaken nearly as badly as B'nyur. He wanted to help, but His wouldn't let him. Oveth didn't know what to make out of being shut out by His. He was hurt, wounded. He was flopped out, dazed, near the entrance of the infirmary, his depression feeding off of B'nyur's own. He had the great advantage of a terrible memory, even for a dragon; that plus his own desire to forget that event meant that it was just the barest, faintest memory now. He stirred only when someone came by the infirmary, and then only to bespeak the patients and sending them to A'mor's weyr. The Greyrider was off shift, but B'nyur would make it up to him later. If he could. Oveth did not trouble himself with that, though. All he knew was that His could not be bothered right now. He had to protect him. He owed that to B'nyur.

You take a hit now
You feel it break down
Make you stay wide awake
This is how a heart breaks

B'nyur was not aware of anything else. He just knew his pain. Pain worse than he'd felt ever in his life, for what could possibly compare to being responsible for the death of a person, much less three of them and their dragons! Even the death of his mother could not rival this. That had been tragic; this was absolutely heart-rending. Literally, his heart was ripping in half, and he had no idea if it was ever to be mended, much less how. He was not the same person he was when he'd waken up that morning. He cried. He cried for those three dragonpairs. He cried for the waste. He cried for what could have been so easily prevented.

He cried for what had been.

This is how a heart breaks.

This is how a heart breaks~!