monsters in the closet (raining)

[Zephyr]

For once, Titania was with K'ius. The firelizard had started to spend more and more time with the boy, not that he minded effectively sharing her with his best friend. He trusted Sandr enough to know that the guy would treat her like his own and if the red was too stuck up to still acknowledge Shobhaith's presence (who was currently asleep and ignoring the firelizard in turn), well, Kai wasn't going to beg her to. She was having a much better time with Eponine.

Not that better wasn't a subjective term.

She'd spent half the morning poking and prodding at the cyan's resolve, picking up pieces of her collection and disappearing with them, much to the smaller female's frustration. Kai figured he should stop the red from torturing the other firelizard, and he had a job for her anyway. He plucked her out of the air once she returned to further torture Eponine, and eyed her suspiciously. "Go find Sandr and tell me where he is. I don't want to see you torturing Pony anymore." The red gave an indignant squeak, ruffled her wings and poofed between, but not after snapping viciously at Kai's hand.

He half expected her not to do what he'd asked, but a moment later, the other boy's location popped into his head, and he was off, trying to keep his multitude of pets firmly in his weyr. It was a difficult battle, but in the end, only Eponine insisted on accompanying him, her little body so tightly wrapped around his neck that he could feel claws in his skin. He knew Titania wouldn't be back, she'd already told him with a huff that she was out spending time with Zo.

Whatever kept her out of trouble.

The flit had already told Kai that Sandr was standing just outside the hatching grounds, and he was a little confused as to what his friend was doing. The hatching could be any day now, he knew, but he hadn't felt the humming yet. Silently, Kai approached Sandr, ignoring the way his heart picked up when he saw him. That didn't mean anything, okay. He approached his friend with a crooked smile and a companionable nudge. "What's up man? I can practically hear you thinking."

[Raining]

He had visited the eggs again today, half expecting to feel like this time would be different. He was tired of the consistent ups and downs he'd been feeling within the last few days. There are times where he was absolutely confident, and then there were days (like today) where he wasn't so sure what his future would hold. Before his time at Harper Hall dragon riding wasn't even a reality, it was just a fleeting dream that his parents smothered, his mother namely.

But that dream swiftly became a reality... partly. He was here standing for clutches, but "his" hadn't come to him, not yet. Today watching the bright and not so brightly colored eggs was the same as any other day, there were no revelations or any confirmation that this time it would be different. In a couple of seasons time he'll be just two turns off from aging out. What then?

Leaning against the rock wall outside the hatching sands, he sighed heavily, a hand wiping down his face. The extra lessons were a large pain, whers didn't interest him... in fact they were sharding creepy.

Zo coo'd at him softly, and like the other times he tried to grab his attention Sandr only stroked the fire lizard once before losing himself in an endless circle of doubts. Well that was until a bright red fire lizard crossed his path with a huff of breath. Sandr rolled his eyes, "good to see you too," he'd tell her as she snapped something at Zo. The blue flit tightened his hold on Sandr's neck before zipped off with his sibling. He was probably worrying his pets, as they often probed his head with comforting feelings -- well Zo anyway. Jemma seemed to not notice, or fall into the same mood and Gideon would just be irritable and not at all sympathetic.

Blue eyes watched the sky for a moment before he heard slight footfalls of someone approaching. He pushed himself from the wall as his eyes fell on Kai, his smile mirroring his friend's -- his chest tightening a moment, pushing any feelingas away. The smile dropped as he rolled his eyes some smirking. "Unless you have Shobhaith monitoring my thoughts, that's impossible." he retorted, a teasing look in his eyes, also touching his lips briefly.

"I'm fine. Just... thinking about what will happen after this." the last word was emphasized with a thumb jerk towards the sands entrance. "But that doesn't matter, how're you? I saw that the weyrling barracks look emptier?" he deflected, hopefully flawlessly... though his childhood friend probably knows him better than that,

[Zephyr]

He had to keep himself from flinching at the other boy's words. Sandr always brought Sho up when they were together. Not that that was inherently a bad thing in and of itself, but Kai was convinced that Sandr was still pissed at him for impressing when he hadn't yet. K'ius was sure the other boy's dragon was in those eggs hardening on the sands, but that didn't make things all that much easier.

K'ius had stolen Sandr's dream. And it hadn't even been something he'd wanted. Sure, now that he had Sho, he wouldn't give him away for anything, but he hadn't come to the weyr expecting to impress. He'd expected Sandr to impress and support him through that. This isn't what he expected, and it'd never been what he'd wanted...not until the purple's eyes had met his, whirling with rainbows and impression.

And it just wasn't right that Sandr hadn't impressed.

Kai wasn't weyrborn. He didn't have quite the same reverence for dragons that the weyr people had growing up. It was difficult enough for him not to be a little angry at the baby dragons for not choosing Sandr when Kai could plainly see how sharding amazing his best friend was.

"Nah." He shrugged with a grin, able to put his misgivings behind him for the moment, at least while Sandr needed him. "Sho's too lazy to read your mind. He's sleeping." Well, he thought the dragon had been sleeping, until he'd felt a nudge of sleepy indignation at his words. The boy ignored it. He was good at that.

The mood soured perceptibly, and K'ius shifted his gaze to Sandr as the boy spoke. It made sense that Sandr would have some heavy thoughts on his mind as well, he was the one who was going to be standing for the third time...and this wasn't a matter of waiting for the right time...Sandr was going to age out soon...and then what? Nothing would be able to keep Kai from feeling goddamn guilty if Sandr never impressed. Would he stand for whers after? They'd never talked about it much, but the thought of Sandr leaving him to go live with the wherhandlers made him have a mild panic attack.

He scrambled for words, vaguely noticing Sandr's deflection as he changed the subject abruptly, and in a way he was grateful. In a way he was all to eager to follow this line of conversation, "We were assigned weyrs the other day. Nora lives above me, man, you've gotta help." The words were hollow and amusementless. The pink rider living above him wasn't really a problem...he was just trying to make a joke that fell a little flat in lieu of the mood holding onto them like fog.

Kai couldn't escape it. It clawed at him and made any successful changing of the subject impossible. He wasn't quite ready to broach it though, and instead decided to try and help his friend. "You've got this, you know." He didn't know how many times he'd told the other boy that, before how many hatchings...but he tried his best to make them sound convincing. "Your dragon's there...if you don't believe that, then that isn't good for you or the baby dragons." They'd all been told that negative thinking can hurt hatchlings, so he had to try and keep Sandr positive...if not for the dragons than for himself.

"I'm not going to lose you to this, man." His words were soft, edging closer towards something that was bothering him, but just licking at the edges like flame, brown eyes shifted away for once.

[Raining]

He would have questioned Kai's silence, but he was already fighting against himself. He wasn't particularly in a speaking mood, so the silence, as awkward as it was... it was almost welcomed. Sandr was always so wide open around K'ius, it was like his friend pulled every single thought in his head and pulled it to the forefront on his sleeve. Now it was all a matter of whether his friend was paying attention... though he seemed lost in his own thoughts. He knew he felt guilty for impressing first, but he didn't look beyond that.

Though when he finally did speak, Sandr would snort which shifted into a sort of an ironic laugh. "I'm sure she's thrilled," he'd snicker some, though maybe it didn't sound as amused as he thought it would. He ended up clearing his throat, as a touch of an unfamiliar emotion burned in his stomach. Sure it was funny back then, at that hatching, where she threatened him if he told Kai about her feelings for him. At that time he had almost slipped into something similar himself... but he pushed it away as just a moment of impulse... nothing more.

Kai was his friend.
Nothing more... or so he thought.

K'ius repeated what it seemed like his regular speech. Not that he was bitter or anything... he was grateful Kai had his back like this. But after each stand it was sort of getting harder to keep his spirits up. "Yeah I know. One of them, probably. But that's not my point, i'm just... preparing, y'know? The 'what ifs' are nagging, and well..." actually he didn't know what else. Instead he shrugged, leaning heavily back against the wall.

"You know what. It doesn't matter... don't worry about it." he tried for a smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes before it dropped again. Though something akin to curiousness touched his expression, "what do you mean 'lose me'. It will be fine. I'm just not feeling it today I guess." When he finally looks at Kai properly, his brows furrow, "whats.. bothering you?" he asked his words softening along with his expression.

[Zephyr]

He wanted to bring the conversation back to harmless jesting. To joke about his weyr and Nora and Shobhaith and not have to worry about important things like this...like the future. Unfortunately, his mind wouldn't let him relax, not a little bit, not with how he's pressed against Sandr, his mind running in circles. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence he found himself in...it was just strange. He wasn't used to not talking around Sandr.

"What 'what ifs'?" He starts, looking up at the other boy, suddenly. They hadn't talked about this much...they had just been so sure that he would have impressed right now. This wasn't supposed to be happening...he was supposed to have found his way. But he had to know. "What will you do? Maybe your future doesn't lay with a dragon, but a wher?" He had to swallow down the doubt. He didn't want Sandr to leave him...but that was selfish. A future with a wher was much better than a future with him.

No matter how much he liked the sound of that.

Then Sandr turned his attention to Kai, and the purplerider couldn't let that stand. He wasn't sure if he was ready to face that yet, so he just offered Sandr a small smile. "Nothing, I'm fine." Let's talk about you. Pleasepleasepleasei'mnotreadyforthis.

[Raining]

His deflection didn't really work, then again it wasn't really all that thought out. When K'ius asked about... his doubts, he just sighed hesitating. He didn't -- shouldn't be talking about this. It wasn't important, and he didn't want to distract Kai from ... anything else... and... no it just wasn't important. "Its nothing, forget I sai-" he cut himself off as Kai decided to expand on his question.

His gaze snapped over to his friend at the mention of whers, "no." he stated firmly with one shake of his head, "no, I don't think so. Its either a dragon..." he hesitated again, opening his mouth and closing it. "Or... nothing. I don't think wher's are my calling." he huffed a small laugh. From what he's learned in his current lessons, he wasn't sure if he was cut out to be a wher handler.

Wher's were... unpredictable more so than the red dragons -- and he's seen more than he needed to of Waroth. "I'm not sure.... I think I may drop out of being a harper, maybe get into something else." he explained his eyes fixed on the ground.

"I don't think I want to leave.. if it has to come to it. I'd rather be doing something more hands on and beneficial to the weyr." he shrugged. "Like I said... i'm only... preparing."

He eyed his friend, giving him a sort of encouraging nudge, "hey no you can't ask me what's wrong and then tell me nothing." His eyes try and search his friend's face, "Kai?"

If he was silent, or hesitant he'd add quickly "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine... "

[Zephyr]

Sandr leaving hadn't even been in the realm of possibilities...had it? He didn't know his best friend was even thinking about leaving the weyr if he didn't impress. Kai's eyes went a fraction of a degree wider and he had to keep himself from blurting something out, because it really went without saying. If Sandr left, Kai was going with him...plus one goofy dragon and a gaggle of pets...but he meant what he said before.

He wasn't losing his best friend.

It seemed though, that it wasn't something he was considering now at least, and Kai was thankful for that. Making a life somewhere else when he could barely deal with the one he had here wasn't high on his list of things he wanted to do.

What was...was something he couldn't quite name, and Sandr's urging didn't make things better.

He was glad that Sandr wasn't leaving...and he was secretly glad that he wasn't considering whers. He wouldn't really be leaving if he joined the wher program, but it'd be the same, wouldn't it? They'd never see each other, and K'ius wasn't sure that was something he was ready for either.

But, ready or not, something had to give...and Sandr seemed much too concerned about him for Kai to keep this up anymore...but not here. There were too many people around...too many eyes and ears that he wasn't interested in. So, instead of telling Sandr right there...and instead of actually telling him what was up, Kai grabbed the other boy's sleeve and pulled him roughly away from the entrance to the sands. The waterfall wasn't too far off, and it was out of sight and the water would make his words inaudible to anyone else's ears.

"I've been thinking..." He started at last, carefully, letting the words fall and be carried away by the sound of rushing water. His gaze dropped, unable to continue looking at the other boy. "I t-think I might be interested in someone, and I'm not sure where to go from here." His previously evasive nature dropped away and he looked up at his friend. His gaze was so serious and painfully earnest that there was no way Sandr wouldn't know where K'ius was going with this.

[Raining]

Kai thankfully dropped the subject and didn't press it anymore. Aleksandr was still really... unsure of his next course of action. He... knew he was being really, really wherrybrained right now. This was probably the exact reason why he didn't want to say anything the exact reason why he was out here alone and not with anyone else. Well... he was with Zo, but a certain red brat whisked him away.

Suddenly though Kaiu- no K'ius grabbed his sleeve suddenly, "Kai what?" he asked as he was dragged towards the tumbling waterfall.

The waterfall pounded in his ears, and when they finally stopped he'd ask "Kai... what's wrong?"

Of course the 'what' soon became apparent as his friend started to speak. He was worried as Kai wouldn't even look at him, to tell him what had been bothering him. He patiently waited, his ears straining to listen just incase he missed something, or if Kai muttered. As the words finally tumbled from his mouth, Sandr paused. Interested in someone? His stomach dropped since the who hadn't been mentioned. "Oh...? Really?" he tried to look genuinely interested...

But then... oh shards.

His mouth went entirely dry, and it felt like his heart was caught in his throat. The look he was giving him.. no... he couldn't mean.

'Shards...'

He felt elated, and... not so elated at the same time. No, no this can't happen. As much as he wants this... since winter when he almost... no... There is a reason why he didn't go after it any further. He ignored his feelings the best he could. After all K'ius was a weyrling and it was strictly forbidden, and same goes for him. This... is bad for both of them, it can't... and what if it didn't work? Their frien--- just, no it couldn't.

He tried to keep his cool, "K- K'ius. You can't mean this." he would say stammering slightly, his gaze suddenly not wanting to look a his expression. "You can't." he swallowed his eyes finally locking onto Kai's firmly. "This, can't work. It can't. We can't"

He was not, going to cause trouble... skipping chores was one thing. This... was entirely different. He cared too much for their friendship to shatter it with... something that would probably fail.

[Zephyr]

He always knew Sandr was a smart kid. That wasn't the only reason K'ius had spent his time around him all these years, but it's a pretty big reason why Kai liked his best friend so much. There were other reasons...reasons he was trying not to think of right now with the way the other boy was looking at him. Kai hated the way Sandr was looking at him, and he was starting to regret coming to him with this.

The silence was deafening, and Kai was scrambling for something...anything at all to say to make it better, some way to brush what he'd said off as nothing. He scrambed for another name to fill that silence with, no matter how unconvincing another name would sound in lieu of this...but Sandr knew. There was no way to change that. Any name Kai pulled out of his hat would fall hollow and empty, and there was no names coming to him anyway. He was just watching the change in his best friend's expression with trembling fingers and a flush as bright as redfruit blooming over his face.

Then Sandr was speaking...stuttering and stumbling over his words and repeating the same things over and over again. Kai was trying not to let his stomach twist and drop at the implications of what he was saying. Instead he spoke, his words imploring. "Why not? Sho and I are graduating soon. You don't even have a dragon yet." There were rules, but what did the rules matter if no one found out any they weren't hurting anyone. "We don't even have to do anything Sandr!" He was grasping for straws now, argument getting desperate. He was vaguely surprised that he hasn't reached out to touch the other boy yet, but realized his hands were pressed into tight fists, nails biting into his palms to the point of pain.

"No one has to know, if that's what you're worried about." What about when Sandr gets a dragon...what then? It's something K'ius has conveniently forgotten to think about in the rush of words that left his mouth.

His voice for lower, softer, and more shaky as he ran out of arguments. He just eyed Sandr seriously, afraid of the answers he'd get from the kid. "Or is that not what this is about...is this about me?" He didn't want to see Sandr's expression, but he didn't want to look away. "Do you not like me...like that?" Up until now, K'ius hadn't questioned his sexuality...he'd barely even been aware of it...but to make some major revelation about it and to be rejected all in the same breath, well, that wasn't something he was sure he'd be able to get over too easily.

[Raining]

What K'ius had said next sort of stung, no he didn't have a dragon yet, this is why he was out here. But he shoved it away, because Kai was practically pulling every excuse he could he seemed. He really didn't have any room to speak... or he just wasn't trying to butt in. His previous stutters and stammers weren't completely convincing... if he was convincing Kai would not still be speaking.

His jaw was clenched as he tried to keep a stoic face. It... this wasn't something he was expecting. He honestly though that this was just his own... imagination or something. He hadn't even given himself a chance to properly think about it, shards he didn't even know Kai would be interested! This was probably how he was able to brush off any feelings as nothing because they were one sided.

The way Kai was trying to find an opening... anything to get Sandr to comply -- it clearly wasn't one sided anymore. The one step back was all he could manage, for now he stood frozen... the only movement he seemed he could make was a small jerk of his head. Though as small as the movement happened to be, it was clear as to what it meant.

He couldn't do much else, he was grasping for something because clearly 'no' wasn't working and Kai wasn't accepting just that. It wasn't enough, and Sandr was losing his resolve... because he did care, as much as he tried to hide it. All those sevendays of avoiding the issue altogether, now threatened to strangle him. "I can't..." he tried to say, but he was finally given an opening.

His throat threatened to close up, because this isn't what he wanted to do. It hurt to look at Kai so unsure of himself, and the look on his face... he just wanted to tell him that it would be okay. Sandr managed to look impassive, and his shook his head once. "No." he stated simply, his voice as impassive as his expression. "I don't."

If jumping into a relationship with your best friend, wouldn't kill the friendship.

This probably would cut it short.

"I'm sorry. I can't.."

[Zephyr]

That...wasn't what he'd been expecting. K'ius had steeled himself for all of Sandr's possible reactions...but having him flat out reject him like this had been such a miniscule possibility and hurt so much to think about that he hadn't dwelt on it too much. That wasn't Sandr. He'd find a way to soften it, make it hurt less...but he didn't. The pain of his best friend's rejection clawed in his chest took apart his heart and he felt Shobhaith stir in the back of his mind, alert and concerned. The dragon wasn't a hatchling anymore to be harmed by any fluctuation of K'ius' emotion, but the sudden pain that he was feeling alarmed the purple. Kai pushed him back with their bond, holding him there in their room while he took a step back, uncertain.

He still didn't have much expression on his face, so shocked was he by the finality of his friend's words. 'I don't.' was said like the closing of a door, slamming loudly in the silence. His heart was almost beating out of his chest and in place of the disappointment and regret came the shame and humiliation of admitting such a thing when Sandr didn't care. K'ius...what? For once, there was no amusement in his bonded's voice...just bewildered alarm, but Kai pressed tighter on their bond, held onto it tightly so he didn't fall away completely.

He'd never wanted this to happen.

"Sorry...I'm..." His throat was dry and he felt himself backing away. Tears might have been stinging his eyes, but he wasn't going to let them go, not now. Wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing him hurt...not if he doesn't care. "I'm an idiot, Sandr...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to..." And the words hurt to say, felt like razorblades covered in salt, but he couldn't keep them in. His face was red and burned, and he was shaking with the humiliation that he'd acted like a child. He should have known better, he...

...was backing away now, Pony chirruping her concern against his throat, but he just couldn't care. "I didn't mean to..." He repeated ineffectually, the words not given form. "Sorry, I'll leave you alone. Don't...don't think less of me." He said firmly, even if his voice was soft. Then he turned and walked away, trying to put as much distance between himself and his best friend before he broke down. What's wrong? The voice was firm, brooking no argument, but Kai only choked out his answer. My heart is breaking.

[Raining]

After the words left his mouth, when his voice was even alien to him -- regret dropped heavily in his stomach. At first he was able to handle the look of shock on Kai's face, or he was able to handle as Kai processed what had been said. He was still working through what just happened, his words rang so final, too final. This.. wasn't what he wanted to say -- he did care for Kai more than what was allowed. More than what was required of a friend... then why did he tell Kai he wasn't...?

...because he needed too.
But it was wrong.

Oh Faranth... what did he do? It wasn't supposed to be like this. He had to correct this, he had to--

When Sandr finally dragged himself out of his own head to look at what he did, Kai was already backing away, muttering apologies. His jaw hurt from keeping it so clenched, his hands which were previously fists at his sides... loosened. He wanted to tell Kaius the truth, and apologize a million times. Wanted to re-explain everything, and iron out his thoughts... but his voice wouldn't work. The knot in his throat kept him from saying anything, and if Kai was looking which he clearly wasn't... hurt, guilt and regret shown plainly on his face.

The look on Kai's face, it hurt to see him like this. Never in his life had he done something like this to him. Oh faranth... look what he did. As Kai turned around to walk away, Sandr almost lurched forward to grab him, but his fist grabbed at nothing. The thundering of the waterfall made sure to cover up any sounds of movement, and even his voice which cracked when he tried to call him back was smothered by the tonnes of water hitting the lake.

He didn't know how many minutes he stood there watched the spot where his friend was before. He tried so hard to swallow past the knot in his throat, tried to muster enough anger to cancel out anything else... but it didn't help. He didn't feel his back hitting the stone wall behind him, nor did he feel himself slipping down until he was sitting. His knees were pulled up close and his head fell into his hands.

Zo was suddenly at his side, eyes swirling with worry as he cooed sadly curling up around his neck.

"I'm so sorry..."