I Lie Inside Myself For Hours (Kireon)

[Cathaline]

It had been a few days since Ausk's hatching, and the sick sensation of loss and death hadn't left Newt, though he was beginning to make a physical recovery. His fever had finally broken in the night. The bloody sclera in his eye was beginning to fade like a bruise; his left hand was stiff, and he was careful to keep testing it, to make sure the scabbing and scarring wouldn't take any of his mobility. He might not be able to work yet, but he was sure he could walk, at least a little.

Quite often he'd been laid up after a hatching. Every other time he'd absconded the very instant he judged himself to be safe. It was different this time, though - the desire to go was worse, possibly to the point of recklessness. He'd been connected to Newsk when he died; that would take many more days to fade to a manageable level. Newt would fight anyone who claimed that, because there had been no blood bond, the match wasn't real, or wasn't devastating.

But at the same time, he was not a proper wherless. They hadn't fully shared each other. Newt was well aware that some, when their soulmate was torn away, would try to commit suicide, or lose themselves in drink and drugs, but he didn't feel any of those tendencies. Listlessness and deep sorrow, yes, but he was young. If anyone could recover from a trauma like this, it was him; he even had a very good chance of Impressing again someday. Not immediately, he knew that all too well, but eventually.

So given that Newt knew - or believed, at any rate - that he was not a danger to himself, he was deeply annoyed by the way people walked on eggshells around him. About this, he could not truthfully say he'd been through worse, but he would come around again. All he really wanted at this point was...not to pretend it never happened, that was foolish and impossible...but to start moving forward again. He was far too restless a soul to be tied down like this.

At the moment he had no future, though, so when his Candidatemaster walked in, he struggled to sit up, reaching for the spectacles on the bedside table - he never felt fully himself without them. His left hand was heavily bandaged, as were his shins, and it was hard to look him in the eye without seeing the hemmorhage that showed most clearly the psychic effects of what had happened to him. He was nowhere near as energetic as usual - a bit sluggish, really - and he didn't immediately start babbling, which was perhaps the clearest sign that he was not as well as he wished he was.

"Can we get out of here?" he asked Yuri. "I mean, are they allowed to keep me here? Am I still a Candidate?"

[kireon]

Baby want out. Cooped, restless. Need job. Patrol lesson, teach baby how do things for next time, yes?[/i] Yusk had been a shadow in the Infirmary for some time, much like her handler. While Yuri had done his damndest not to show a more worried, edgy side to him in regards to the pain his poor candidate must have been feeling, he also wanted the youngling to approach him instead of the other way around. She had made herself fairly scarce, however, somehow sensing the boy's need for time to grieve despite her own urge to go in and distract him from his pain.

Now, however, she looked to Yuri, hanging back and out of sight of the boy's room, though her look of significance was not lost on the stocky man. Perhaps it was instinctual, perhaps it was just the way a wher had a tendency to think. Nurse the pain until it was manageable, no time to wait until it was one hundred percent healed when there were things to be done.

After the last three nights of Yusk being an unnaturally insistant pest on the matter, Yuri had chosen to go pay a visit to the injured lad to see what he wanted to do. A bond had been made, but not solidified; no blood-bond had been forged. Their minds had touched, had started to fit together before Kask had... well, had managed to put a crimp in plans. He worried for Audren's state, how volatile Ausk seemed to still be despite turns passed with their bond. Damali certainly seemed to have her red terror under... some sort of control, the red's antics leaning more towards terrorizing people for her own amusement than any actual intentional harm.

Ausk Leader. Yusk Mama, big difference.[/i] Yusk supplied helpfully. Kalesk and Damask both Leader and Mama, what be need is what are.[/i] She nudged Yuri gently, insistantly. Baby need, go now. Yusk wait for yes. Go help.[/i]

A polite knock was given to the entrance of the lad's room, after discussion with the Healers, of course, and learning the limits of what the lad could and could not do at this point in time. No sooner had he entered than the boy had gone for his spectacles and launched into a series of desperate sounding questions regarding... his future.

Well, that would make things a little easier.

Pulling up a thick, heavy stool with the kind of mindless effortlessness that a man who'd spent long days out in fields and hauling heavy loads often used in his day to day life, Yuri settled himself into it with nary a sigh in sight. Green eyes peered out of a weather worn face, laugh lines about his mouth and corners of his eyes as he studied the injured Candidate before him. "The Healers have some restrictions and stipulations until your hand and legs heal," he reminded the boy not unkindly. "it's best to listen to the experts in health and wellness in times like these. After all, there is nothing more terrifying than a vexed Healer whose patient makes their injury worse." The last part was said with a knowing, if conspiratorial stage whisper.

He didn't like being in the Infirmaries either.

The warm hearted nature in the Candidatemaster still remained, but the easygoing aspect faded a little, eyes more like the handler than the pushover/sucker for a sob story Candidatemaster most knew him to be. "Do you feel as if you can continue your Candidacy knowing that you run the risk of a repeat of the tragedy- if not find yourself worse off?" It was a serious question, and the laugh lines on Yuri's face were pulled downward as he waited, patiently for the boy to consider it, holding a hand up in caution before he could say anything further. "Be certain, Newtollen, I will support and understand whichever decision you come to- so long as it isn't made in haste."

He paused to let his caution and statement sink in a little. "You won't be able to continue with chores for a time, not until your injuries heal. However, there are things I believe I can find for you to keep yourself occupied until that day comes, should you decide you wish to stay." Perhaps... perhaps taking on a more hands on approach with his Candidates would be a good idea. He would have to speak with Audren, of course, to clear the idea past her- to say nothing about running it past Jazz and Nimara as well to ensure all Candidates received a similar, if not equal, amount of attention and teachings that could end up saving lives, or at least giving them a headstart on how to deal with certain wher or dragon personality types should they find themselves bonded to them.

Yusk wouldn't be as good as, say, Damask, Burlesk, Kalesk or any number of the more... difficult to handle wher could be. But she would be a good, easy start.

Yuri waited, pose relaxed and at ease in contrast to the serious aura he had about him. He was speaking nothing but the truth; whatever Newt decided, Yuri would support him whole-heartedly in his endevours and help in whatever way he could.

[Cathaline]

Yuri was unquestionably Newt's favourite Candidatemaster. Oh, he liked Jazz and Nimara well enough, but Yuri was a handler. He was also the only male of the lot, and that included Audren, who technically had final say in everything that happened to her wher candidates; this placed him doubly in charge of someone like Newt, and he wasn't surprised it was Yuri who came to see him.

Smiling a bit at the stage whisper, Newt said, "Well, yeah, it's not those restrictions I mind. I don't want to cripple myself any more than they want me to. It's more the fact that everybody thinks if they let me walk out of this room, I'm going to throw myself off a cliff. I'm not...that wouldn't be..." His fingers clenched slightly in the sheets, and he forced his hand to relax. "I'm not going to follow Newsk into death," he said, his voice catching slightly on the name. "I felt him die, he was inside me when she - how can they think for one second that I would ever want to go through that again?"

It obviously preyed on him, the healers' focus on his mental health. Newt wasn't fine and wasn't stupid enough to pretend to be fine, but he wasn't completely destroyed, either. He couldn't work his way back to fine if everybody treated him like a vulnerable child, and didn't let him be himself.

He started to talk as soon as Yuri asked the question, politely stopped when the man gestured, and then instantly started talking again. "I can't not be a candidate," Newt said. "It's not even a question for me, there's nothing else that I can do and still be me. If you won't have me, that's fine. I'll go to Crescent, and if they won't have me either, I'll go somewhere else until I find someone who will, even if I have to go hang out with wild whers again until someone hatches a baby who wants me. He was important and special and I'm not going to pretend that nothing's changed. I know I'm not fit to Impress right now, I know it might take turns before I am. But if I'm not a candidate then I'm not anything. I have to be a handler, it's the only thing I want in the world, to be with whers and study them and know everything about them. I got a taste of it with Newsk and it was the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I'm still sorting out a lot of things about how I feel, but - I need this."

It wasn't the whole truth. There was a strong part of Newt that urged him to walk away, just for a month or two. He needed breathing room; while he was grateful to those who had rallied around him, particularly his fellow candidates, being treated with kid gloves was only a daily reminder (as if he didn't have enough daily reminders) of what he'd lost. The phantom presence of Newsk's pain and death only made it worse. If he could just get out of here and nurse his wounds in private, it would all be a lot easier to bear.

But if he walked away now, he might not be allowed to come back, and that was unacceptable. He'd come to love Dalibor, and there were still too many things he wanted to do. He hadn't met Edison yet, the awesome inventor. He wanted to touch that perfect specimen of a brown, whatever his name was now. He wanted to stand for Kalesk's hatching, even if he knew there was no chance of him being well enough to attract one of her children. He wanted to be in the only place in the world with oranges and cyans, though his interest in cyans was at an all-time low at the moment; he wanted to be on hand to help, in his own particular way, with Dalibor's many problems. Going to hang out with wild whers while he healed just wasn't a serious option.

So he hadn't stopped to think about Yuri's offer, but the way his eyes lit up showed how he felt, clearly enough; talking about his candidacy made him look animated, less like death warmed over. Newt belonged here, for as long as he was wanted.

[kireon]

Gentle hearted as he was, and easily moved by emotion of all sorts, Yuri did one of the things he'd been known for during his own Candidacy- dragon and wher alike; listened, and waited. The man was patient enough to sit and observe a plant for days on end, leaving only to sleep, eat and otherwise attend to bodily needs. Frustration was easy to understand, grief as well- and no two genuinely grieved in the exact same manner. There were some similarities to himself that he saw in the talkative Newt, enough that he had to pull himself back from seeing an overlapping image of himself over the boy during days of mourning he'd done as well.

"Newt, we aren't going to cast you out- not from the program, and certainly not from Dalibor." His voice was gentle, though firm to best address the thought that must have been eating at the boy all the while. "And no one will ever, ever replace Newsk in your heart- anyone who believes otherwise is sorely mistaken. Take the time you need to heal yourself in the manner that will be best suited for you- within reason, of course." He added that last bit hastily, knowing that the boy had a tendency to take an idea and quite literally run with it- verbally and otherwise.

He leaned forward, elbows against his knees and body language still relaxed and comfortable- as if they were having a talk about the everydays of life rather than an entire future. "I believe you," Yuri finally spoke, choosing his words carefully. "when you tell me that whers are the only ones for you, I believe you. I have an idea in mind, though I will need to approach Audren, Kalenna, Jasmine," please don't let her overhear he called her by the full name in his methods of formality. "and Nimara to ensure they have no misgivings that I cannot vouch for on your behalf and to make sure it's approved."

He was already ticking off the pros and cons to the idea, and most of the cons had to do with the downright unpredictable natures of whers. Which is why I would start with Yusk and work with other handlers with bondeds of similar enough personality that there is little danger minus anyone being startled enough into protective mode. "There are candidates who request patrol shadowings with the handlers," Yuri mentioned the idea, finding it as a good, safe start to the idea that had taken root in his mind. Starting with those who'd volunteered- only those with wher unlikely to cause harm or otherwise become uncontrollably unpredictable had been accepted as shadow partners... though how a couple of the handlers had been accepted was a curious enough thought, but he'd guessed it had more to do with the actual wher than the handler. "if you are open to the idea, I will either assign you to have a semi-permanent partner rouster until the day you Impress, or just to shadow one or two in particular."

Yusk chose that moment to poke her head in, eyes a cautious yellow shading more and more towards green as she caught sight and scent of the "baby" and how he seemed more like himself. Yuri gave a brief smile and nod of his head, the tall, sage green form clicking meekly into the room to place her head directly on the bed like a baleful canine beside Newt. Walk with Yusk? Learn how job work, be busy? Yusk teach how be best. She was hopeful that the idea would appeal to the Candidate, especially because Yuri always told her she was the best at going for walks and being gentle with new babies if they were sad, scared or hurt- just like this baby in the special rest bed.

She might have been Yuri's wher, but she was truly turning herself into everyone's wher just by nature and personality alone. ...Yuri was just her absolute favorite, that was all.

Perhaps Yusk was right in this instance. Perhaps Newt's grief needed to be placed into an outlet that would better help him rebuild what had shattered in him- not that it would ever be the same, there would always be that dull ache, that knowing of 'what might have been' and 'what if'- but, it would give him something to focus on. And it would have the benefit of allowing him to control how others viewed him in the very end, to show them he was not thinking of throwing his life away and was planning on moving forward with life- as Newsk would have wanted. "If that appeals to you, we can start with an easy walk, and work our way to more than that as time goes on." Which were bound to be numbering in the thousands.

Knowledge seemed to be something that his Candidate craved, and there was nothing wrong with knowledge of the craft being shared if it meant a more confident, self-assured candidate in Yuri's eyes.