Let the Feathers Fly [Cath]

[RavenSong]

{desc=Seph/Jazz, woo!}Seph had gotten his wounds inspected and vacated the Infirmary as quickly as he could the evening after the Hatching. He didn't want to see the dragonets still in there with their people, he didn't want to see the wherets. He didn't want to see anyone, really, and now that his roommate was gone, he didn't have to see anyone if he didn't want to. He pondered vacating to the Stables to visit Heartbrother, but decided he didn't want to face Lili just then if she came to visit. His reaction to the Iron was still fresh in his mind and quite shameful to him.

Booted feet carried him back to the Candidate Barracks, where he passed by Jasmine's office door on his way to his now-empty room. Alone again. He hadn't even gotten to know Toreld, really, whatever his new name was. Seph had no idea, and hadn't thought to ask anyone else. At that point in time, he didn't care about anything, much less diplomacy. And now he didn't even have his brother to horse around with after lessons. He had no one, and that bothered him. He didn't really want to make more friends at that point. With a heavy sigh, Seph flopped face first onto his bed.

Did he want to sleep? No, not really. Did he want to sit there? Not really. Did he want to go find Lili or sit in the Common Room? Not at all. He sat up, scowling bitterly at the wall across from him. He picked up his pillow and flung it at the wall with a huff. He hadn't had a tantrum in Turns, but he really felt like throwing more than just the pillow. He was angry. He was hurting. And even though Lili and S'idon both had said they wouldn't abandon him, part of him wondered if they would after all. It wasn't a thought he liked at all. It wasn't a thought worthy of the normally-kindhearted, diplomatic young man.

Seph got up and picked up his pillow, kneading it in his hands a few times. Yep. This was going to be a good way to work out the rage. He threw the pillow across the room again, then moved to pick it up, then flung it the other way. He did this several times, missing a knock as he gave a clear cry of rage that wasn't really much above his speaking volume. It was definitely audible on the other side of the door. He threw his pillow towards his door as it opened, not even realizing when it left his hand that it was going to nail someone as they entered.

Oh dear.

[Cathaline]

Jazz now had just over thirty candidates, instead of upwards of sixty. But virtually all of them were injured, many badly. Some were traumatised. Several were probably reconsidering their candidacy; she'd talked to Yuri and Nimara at length, of course, and over the next week or so they would make sure to get facetime with each one, individually, to ensure they were doing all right, to soothe their fears.

Of course, her first priority was Seph, who she'd talked to so many times already, and who had perhaps been through one of the cruelest cuts of the hatching - the only one she could think who might even come close was Kiaja, watching his sister bleed out beside him. But Seph had been played like a fiddle by a vicious puppetmaster, one whose marks she still wore as well on a bandaged arm, and he'd already been suffering for so many reasons...poor thing.

She knocked at his door and listened for a moment. It might surprise her if he was engaged in the kind of stress relief she did not want to walk in on, but teenage boys, man. When she heard an inarticulate cry of rage, however, she pushed open the door and took a ruthless pillow to the face. Instinct made her catch at the corner before it could fall, and it dangled from her hand as she brushed off Seph's frantic apologies.

Lightly, she tossed it back to him, leaning against the doorjamb. "Not a good night," she said. "I think I'm bound by contract to say it was a good hatching - thirty-eight new bonds and all - but I can't feel it. I'm sure you can't, either." She'd never been one to beat around the bush, and still wasn't good at formality with her charges. She believed this made her more approachable, and after all, they had Nimara to take care of the stern fatherly disapproval bit. Nimara and Waroth. "Let's sit down and have a chat - or we could go get some klah, if you want to walk?"

[RavenSong]

Seph sat down heavily on his bed, shaking his head, replacing his pillow upon his resting spot.

"You're right... I can't. Even though the whole reason I came here in the first place happened. S'idon Impressed. Nobody can drag him back to Fort now. No one will even figure out who he is now. He's safe, and he can be happy out from under his family's shadow." He sighed heavily, thinking a bit on her offer of klah.

"While I'd really enjoy some klah right now... I don't really want to be around other people. You, Nimara, and Yuri being the exceptions, of course." He scooted over on his bed and pulled his legs up, sitting cross-legged at the head of it. "So I guess we can talk here." He ran a hand through his hair. "Sorry about the pillow, really. And the tantrum. I'm just... I'm frustrated, and hurt, and while I feel happy for S'idon and Lili I feel alone and it just... well, in all my plans, I never thought S'idon would Impress before me. We were always together. Plus, well... I think everyone knew that Lili and I have interest in each other. I can't go near her anymore, which sucks shell." He sighed again and shook his head.

"I want to hear your feelings," he said pleadingly. "Give me a problem to fix. Give me something that isn't my situation or that sharding dungheap little iron to think about, please. I was considering maybe going dual if S'idon and I Stood for too much longer, but after that? No. Whers can keep away from me. Except Yusk... Yusk's a sweetie. She's a well-raised wher and a credit to Yuri." He rubbed his face, then scratched at the stubble coming in on his chin. He needed to take a straightrazor to his face soon. His expressive brown eyes fixed on Jazz and, as he watched her, unconsciously gave her the sad puppy look.

[Cathaline]

Jazz settled on the end of his bed, giving him plenty of space, but still close enough for hugs if he decided that was what he needed. Seph was a sensitive kid, and he was understandably heartbroken at the moment, having lost his brother, his best friend...everyone. He'd have been in bad shape even if Jafask hadn't decided to prey on his insecurities in the cruelest way. "I'll bring you some klah later," she said. "And for the record, I highly recommend tantrums. Over the turns, I've found that the people who bottle it all up and don't give themselves an outlet are the ones who do the most damage when they finally break - and everybody breaks. You need to remember that. You're not weak for being hurt by what happened."

At least he knew he couldn't go near her. It was better than some romances. Jazz had no doubt that K'var would be keeping as close an eye on Lilianai as she was on Seph, but she didn't truly expect to have to head off any risky attempts at rulebreaking. Seph got it, he wouldn't put Peranzath in danger for his own feelings, and that likely made things even worse for him right now, the poor thing.

"Well," Jazz said. "At the moment I'm struggling quite a bit with the conflict between protecting my children and protecting their children. The dragonets and wherets have to be our priority, of course - they simply have to. This was not the first violent hatching on Pern, nor will it be the last. It's likely the worst I've ever attended in some ways - and yet, despite the fact that a candidate died, many, even most, would say that Couineth's was worse. Worse because a weyrling died, and we only lost a sickly-looking wheret who might not have bonded anyway, and who cares that a girl is gone, that several people were traumatised perhaps past the point of standing again, and that not a single one of my charges got away unscathed? I care. I wish there was something I could do to protect all of you in the future, but I have no idea what. I can't allow anyone to fight back against fragile infants. Advising people to run away would only have created more chaos, and someone might have gotten trampled..."

She sighed and rubbed her hands over her face. "There is no good way to deal with a hatching like that, as a Candidatemaster. And yet when it's over, you face not only your own guilt and horror, but the outrage of angry parents and riders who have no idea what it's like to watch one of your responsibilities bleed out, and others lose their minds, and simply offer blame because you should have done better. It's astonishing to me how many people there are who want to apportion blame. As if you can blame Callistath or Kalesk for just happening to have violent children - as if most reds aren't like that in the first place, shards, this is not new. Or blame the sires, or blame the handlers, or blame the Candidates, or blame us - rather than saying that it is what it is, and it's terrible, and maybe we could do better, but we did everything we could this time."

[RavenSong]

Seph listened to Jazz explain how she felt about the whole situation. It was enlightening to him. He hadn't thought about how everything would make the Candidatemasters feel. He remained silent as he thought, his lips pressed together, his brow furrowed. Making a decision, he scooted across the bed and wrapped his arms around Jazz for once, instead of the other way around. He rubbed her back gently, trying to comfort her.

"Maybe light armor under our robes should be mandatory," he suggested. "How many skins were saved because they'd chosen to wear armor? I don't know how we'd protect the neck, but... that might be an option to help counter the violence. Neck to groin, with some sort of forearm guard... and maybe... maybe teach us basic, non-violent self-defense. Some way of getting the rampaging hatchling to bite the armored forearm and balance oneself on our feet, like a dancer, instead of playing dead. If... if I saw Orkia's death correctly... it happened because she was on the ground anyways. It's not going to deter a dragonet or wheret that is -determined- to kill, I don't think, but... maybe it's an option for the future. Maybe it's a way to save others, long term. Or... or maybe I'm utterly wrong.

I know infant beasts are often clumsy and awkward, but dragonets and wherets are... completely different. The rest of it... Well... there's no mental armor that could stop what that dungheap did... and I think people want to dole out blame to make themselves feel better. I know people blame others to avoid guilt. Happens all the time, at any age, you know? It's why weyrbrats lie. Sometimes they blame others because they don't want to look responsible. Sometimes they do it so they can sleep. People... I think they just want something to ease the pain and shock of what they saw. So they get mad and blame others, I think.

I think you're right, though. You, Nimara, and Yuri are the best Candidatemasters I've ever had. I don't know how things are at Inland, and Fort... well, I don't know if circumstances would ever line up like this, but their Candidatemasters are pretty brusque. I think you -did- do everything you could. Especially since this was a first for Dalibor. There was no precedent to work from, just cobbled-together what ifs and maybes. Everyone knows how dragon hatchings work, and how wher hatchings work, but the two together? I was worried from the get-go. It was really hard to stay back where I was supposed to when Seidon and Lili were in danger." He sighed and pulled away from Jazz then, scratching the back of his neck.

"Speaking of Lili and Peranzath... One of the first things Peranzath did when she was in the same bit of sand as I was, this is weird, she walked up to me and just sat down, staring at me. She kept going on about how I'm one, but I'm two, and how Lili and I are two, and how she likes that we're two and how she's... I don't know, she's a -weird- dragon. Not that I really know dragons, just... she's weird. And then... when Lili was holding me after I just broke out there on the Sands... Lili said Peranzath doesn't like odd numbers. Does... does it sound to you like... like Peranzath doesn't really mind that Lili and I are more than friends? Before you protest, I know the rules. I know that by rights I need to stay -away- from her, but I don't think Lili would allow that in the first place, and I... I'd really like to stay in touch with her, even through Weyrlinghood. There would be -nothing- untoward happening, I'd keep contact to nothing more than platonic hugging, and I'd stay in public areas with her and Peranzath. That way everyone would know we're keeping to the rules. Would that be okay?"

He bit his lower lip, then picked up his pillow and held it to his chest. He hunched in on himself a bit, going silent as he thought about how to explain things, what more to reveal, what else to say in general. He listened to whatever Jazz had to say in response to his flood of words, eyes fixed on her face, the tumult of emotion he felt quite evident in his eyes.

[Cathaline]

He was a good kid, and Jazz was pleased to see that by opening up, she had pushed past the depression he was feeling, at least for the moment. No doubt he would carry the hurt for a long time to come, but anything that would take his mind off his own problems was a good thing. That was how Jazz preferred to get over things - get back to routine, stay focused, and gradually, you got so caught up in new problems that the one you couldn't fix disappeared.

"Well," she said with a wry smile, "things like that are political, you see. Even the optional armor is not traditional - even allowing Candidates to wear boots, which we started because we hated to see you all hiking through a blizzard in sandals, is not traditional. Bad enough you can see the bulk through the robes, but anything that protects skin usually left bare...I'm not saying it's a good tradition. In fact, I think it's a little ridiculous. But Dalibor is already known as a strange, liberal place where awful things happen. Awful things happen everywhere, of course - but Dalibor is so young, still. Can you imagine if word got out that we were forcing our Candidates to dress like hunters instead of like prey? That's what the leadership would say if we brought them the idea - and I can see their point, much as I hate to admit it. It's one thing to have Candidates who are not adequately protected if there is a violent hatchling, which there is usually not; it's another to not have enough Candidates at all because they're so terrified of the implications of the rule that they transfer to a saner Weyr. Defense lessons we could perhaps manage to do better."

Jazz grinned and gave him a hug. "But you did stay back," she said. "And I'm proud of you for it - I know it was difficult. And you did precisely what you should have, if that little rat really had been...I've never heard of a creature doing that before," she said. It seemed important he should know this. "Not once. He's something special, and special is not always good. You are not to blame for not realising what was happening. How could you?"

Shaking her head, Jazz said, "She thinks she doesn't mind. You have to remember that she is a child. She is not sexually mature, she is not physically mature, she is not emotionally mature. Their bond is still as young as she is. Maybe it would be all right. I'm not saying it definitely would be dangerous - but it's a risk we don't take. A risk we can't take. If Lili holds your hand and feels a surge of love or arousal, it could be devastating to a baby dragon. Lili is her whole world. It's a great sign that Peranzath approves of you in general - a very great sign, make no mistake. But it is abusive to subject an infant to the incredibly confusing swirl of emotions that love, particularly forbidden love, conjures up. Not only do you have to stay away from her - at the very least for the first six months, if not longer - it's your responsibility to report to me or to K'var if Lilianai refuses to follow the rules. For that matter, both you and she should be far too busy - but especially her - to be engaging in even platonic contact that goes deeper than sharing a table at mealtimes. Which would be fine, by the way - I'm not saying to completely avoid or ignore either your girlfriend or your brother. But any time either of them takes for you is time they are stealing from their bond. When you Impress, it will be the same for you and your dragon. It's cruel. It's unfair to a child that is totally dependent on you. It's dangerous.

"Remember how I told you I failed weyrlinghood a couple times? I was fifteen when I finally graduated. And by the void, it was hideous, those last few months, wondering if something would happen to keep me back again. Old enough to be interested - more than interested - and knowing for a fact my dragon was a sharding adult who was only holding back because of me. I didn't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend so I can't claim to know exactly what you're feeling, but I do get it. And I absolutely trust you, and Lili; it is not a matter of trust. The mere fact that you're asking me proves that you deserve that trust. But you have to understand that extending that trust to one pair of lovebirds means that other, less responsible people who see the two of you enjoying each other's company will feel like they have the right to do things that are far less safe. They might even assume that if they're seeing the two of you in public, obviously you're doing something in private. They might be reasonably good at evading the long arm of the law. And then you have a dead dragon and a traumatised ex-rider on your hands and we're all to blame in our own ways for creating an environment where people believed this was okay. It's a matter of setting an example."

[RavenSong]

Seph shook his head at Jazz's explanation, frowning.

"Politics can be so -stupid-, and sometimes traditions have to be broken," he pointed out. "Especially when a tradition costs lives. If -I- were a Weyrleader... a proper one, mind you, one with intelligence, not like hidebound ones from a certain Weyr I used to live in, I'd welcome that in a Weyr like this, and Weyrs who wagged their tongues about it could go Chase themselves." He paused a moment, chewing on his lip as he thought. "What if it were -strongly encouraged-, still left optional, and we had armor in stores that were one-size like all the robes are? Maybe that would be a good compromise. Make it white like the robes somehow, as a nod to tradition? Or roughly skin color, so it's not as obvious? It'd still be obvious on really pale or really dark people if that route was taken, but...it's a thought, I guess. Not everyone is deterred by the reputation, by the way. S'idon and I weren't. And given S'idon's blood, you know, we heard a lot. Well, -he- did, I heard about it secondhand. I decided that the dragons were smarter than -Her-, and so far, I think I'm right. I sure was about S'idon's dragon being here. But yes... I can see the point. I don't like what the other side would think, but I can see it."

Jazz's statement of pride made the boy grin, and her statement that she'd never heard of a wheret doing what Jafask had done was also reassuring.

"I wasn't going to let him hurt anybody if I could help it," he said quietly. "I don't tolerate that from four-legged creatures. Heartbrother is well-trained, I've done my best. He doesn't bite or kick unless there's a really good reason. I still think I should've known somehow. I figured I didn't feel what everyone claims Impression feels like because there wasn't a blood bond, but I am -really- glad the dungheap didn't actually pick me. I never thought I'd ever consider a creature evil, but I certainly do with that little dungheap."

Seph's expression changed, though, when Jazz started talking. He didn't like the answer, not at all.

"Okay... I understand. Silvianith, my brother's pink, has already sought me out in the Stables. Lili and S'idon both know I go sit with Heartbrother when I'm upset, my runner's presence is very comforting. I know he'll always love me, no matter what... and he won't abandon me. I won't let them take time away from their dragons... if they -ever- show up where I am without their dragon and their dragon's still small enough to be wherever I am, I'm going to scold them. I know they know better by now, they'd -have- to. Their Weyrlingmaster doesn't seem the sort to let stuff slide. But if they come up and their dragonet is with them, or like in Silvianith's case where she actively sought me out... is that okay? Or is that still problematic? I'll admit... I -have- broken rules, but... well, you and I both know that I try to set a -good- example, I think. The last two Hatchings should've proven that to my peers... the ones who knew, anyways." He sighed and rubbed his face.

"I just... Jazz, all my plans had me and S'idon Impressing at the same time, because I... I didn't want to factor in the idea of one of us leaving the other behind, and..." he trailed off, looking down at his lap. "I'm afraid of being abandoned again. Maybe I could help wash and oil their dragonets occasionally on a rest day or something, get some hands-on education prior to Weyrlinghood, extend that offer to any Nightnamer so I'm not giving the two people of Pern I care about most any sort of special treatment. That way, there's definitely no time taken from their dragonets." He ran a hand through his hair. "Sorry, I'm rambling. Thinking out loud more than anything... I like solutions that are helpful to everyone and cause the least amount of harm possible. It's not always easy to find, which is another reason I like those solutions. I like the challenge of searching for them. I really do understand why Lili and I have to stay apart. If I had a firelizard I'd just send them both messages once a sevenday or so, or just let it sit with them so they'd know I'm still thinking of them. But... I don't. So I can't." He sighed deeply. "I thought I was over that, but the stupid little dungheap just ripped that wound wide open again." He looked remarkably embarrassed, as if he'd been caught in some sort of weakness. "I'll just stay in here outside of meals and chores, so we can't run into each other."