Time Passes Between Us {Jack}

[Admin]

I've got a way with words,
And it's the cause of all my problems,
I've got my mind set,
And that's the way it is.

Waking up in R'ish's furs was comfortable. It hadn't happened for a while, but it was a comfortable feeling. It was familiar. It was like coming back to a second home. Of course, it was still very much exciting. R'ish was the best in every possible way, in P'nay's finicky and flighty opinion. It had been a good day, and, even after coming back ahead after his last fall, he still had his bad days. He'd lost F'let. The smell of furs that smelled of R'ish and sweat was soothing on his nerves and mind. It was something nice to find as he awoke.

Sensing that her rider was awake, Annith uncurled herself from her couch and slipped out into the bowl. She fluttered across the space and came to hover in front of Gyth's weyr. Quietly, without making a sound or disturbing a thing, she settled on the edge of the pink's ledge to wait. She could wait a very long time for her rider. She didn't rush him. She didn't even let him know that she was there, though she thought he might notice. He wasn't liable to react if he did. She gave Gyth, a good friend, a wordless mental greeting, serene and calm.

Shifting slightly, lazily waking from a bit of dozing, P'nay grinned into a pillow. He slowly moved his head, blinking his head, eyes hunting down R'ish with a dim hunger. He grinned at the pinkrider, a lazy and confidently comfortable grin. R'ish would know better than it. R'ish knew him better than that. It was comfortable and nice. He could use to their situation. R'ish understood how he worked and how he played. He was also very good at it, playing his favorite games. "Hello;" he said quietly to the other man, licking his lips to break their dryness.

You gotta big mouth and the streets are talkin',
About the way you walk around like you own the place,
You gotta big mouth and you shoulda shut it,
Yeah you shoulda shut it in the first place.

[jack]

Unlike P'nay, R'ish had not been asleep.
Not for a long, long while.

The Pinkrider lay curled tightly into himself, his eyes drifting from being open, to being clamped shut as he silently let his mind wander, banging over and over again against the wall that was his inevitable end. He'd thought...thought...that...maybe things could go on. That he could go on pretending...that everything was alright. But...

P'nay spoke, and the blond curled even tighter, hiding the near-sob with a half-asleep groan. Just go away...go away... He begged, clenching his eyes tight as Gyth, weaving with a strange sense of distress, noticed Annith's greeting and gave a soft, strained squeak in reply. Hers was hurt! He was hurt and aching and why wouldn't Annith's fix it?!

Hard as he tried, R'ish couldn't fake it any longer. With a long sigh, he rolled onto his back, turning his head to stare at the eyecatching man before him. Thoughtfully, and at length, he simply watched the other, an undeniably sad look on his face as he forced a smile and reached up, running his hand up the man's cheek, tucking a bit of his hair behind his ear. "...I...shards." R'ish gave a dry laugh and dropped his arm, glancing away, "I can't handle this anymore, P'nay. I...I think we need to part ways."

[Admin]

Maybe I'm searching blind,
I'm worn out,
Confused,
What are we to you?
What are we doin'?

P'nay didn't notice R'ish's pained, tired, strained expression at first. He only noticed, with a grin, that his face was touched gently, lazing mind threatening to drift off somewhere else. Then, the pinkrider spoke, and the dry laugh came out, so out of place for how R'ish should sound and act. He stared, things beginning to filter through to him. Outside, Annith was trying to be soothing, though she was already sensing something was wrong from Gyth's behavior. She let out another croon, to apologize to the pink and to settle her rider. Not that it did any good when he figured it out. He paid her gentle presence no heed.

Sharply, the yelllowrider sat up. He stared at R'ish, eyes wide. It was rejection, an ending. It was painful. He didn't want to hurt. He wanted to feel better, not worse. "No;" he said hurriedly, forcefully, though no real question had been posed, let alone one with such a simple answer. He was saying no to the idea of them parting ways. He cared about R'ish. He couldn't say how, but they were at least friend and lovers, both together! He didn't want to have it all end, all out of the blue! "No, I don't see why we should. I mean, what's wrong?" There was some desperation coming out in his voice and eyes. What had he done wrong?

What about love?
That's the one thing we never discuss,
Don't wanna blame ya,
But we're in danger,
What about us?

[jack]

Eyes, sad and lonely and as dead as a man who had reached the end could have, lingered long on P'nay's. R'ish grimaced innerly, flinching away from that desperate stare. But it was for the best! He couldn't go on leading himself, and P'nay, on. "No?" He repeated, a hint of his own struggle coming cleanly through, "By Faranth, P'nay. You aren't that blind."

With another dry laugh--so out of character, so horrible coming from his lips--he rolled to the side and sat on the edge of the bed, his feet firm against the cold stone as he ran his hands through his hair, gently fiddling with one set of beads. "There's too much wrong. Shards, the only thing right is...hehehehe...I don't even know." Swallowing, the cream-haired youth tugged harder on the beads, wincing slightly when three of them came loose in his fingers. He threw them to the side without a thought, not seeming to notice as the blue glass one--one of his favorites--bounced twice and cracked.

The pinkrider went silent, watching blindly as one of the two clay beads rolled around the floor, and from the ledge Gyth gave a sorrowful croon, her eyes whirling with depression. R'ish looked to her longingly, and as though that sad sound was more painful than anything else, turned his stare down. A moment passed, and it seemed he came to a decision, straightening subtly. "Get your clothes and leave, P'nay." He demanded, before turning fully to the man. He stared for a long moment before--without warning--he rolled to the side and grabbed the blond, pulling him into a kiss.

He broke away quickly and buried his face in the yellowrider's neck, his fingers running a trembling-trail down the other's arms and chest. "...I...I think I'm in love, P'nay." He whispered, his eyes squeezed shut, "...but.....shards..I..I can't love him." The youth straightened, looking the other in the eye with a hurt stare, "He doesn't love back."

[Admin]

I can be so mean when I wanna be,
I am capable of really anything,
I can cut you into pieces,
But my heart is broken.

P'nay wanted to continue to pretend to be that blind, but he couldn't and it all slowly started to sink into him. However, it came with a numbness, a desperate numbness to keep from feeling what was happening, and he didn't react to anything until the kiss. He tried to press back, make it deeper, do something to make the moment last on until it wouldn't hurt anymore. However, the contact was broken eventually, and he was left to try to think that the touch of R'ish's fingers against his skin was enough to mean that it wasn't over, that it was all some silly little, warped freak out.

The words he heard surprised him, shocked up. He swallowed, scrambling for words. He tried to meet the hurt stare, though his wide eyes offered no comfort. "I can, uh, I can, um;" he said, trying to make the words come out, but they wouldn't. He couldn't lie to R'ish. Love? He'd thought more on that with F'let, and F'let had moved on. That was a sting in his chest, another failure, another folly. That didn't make it easier to think, but he thought desperately. Him and R'ish? He'd thought R'ish understood. He thought it could work out as it was. What was he to say? He cared about R'ish. He knew that. He didn't want to let go of R'ish. He didn't want it to end. But he couldn't say that he was in love, not with any certainty. It would be a moment's idea, a moment's love. Annith continued to croon an almost keen outside, trying to sooth.

"I can't love back like you can, but isn't there something right?" His voice was still desperate, his attempts all he had left to make it right. It felt right, him and R'ish, but it was still only a moment, and he needed every second filled up with nothing or something exciting, not something lasting. That wasn't him; he couldn't handle it. "Please, don't leave. Please."

But it's always gonna come right back,
It's gonna come right back to this,
Please, don't leave me,
Please don't leave me, oh no no no.

[jack]

R'ish shook his head, slowly, and withdrew, taking his hands with him. As though in a trance he laid back on the bed, staring blindly at the ceiling. Everything in him was shutting down--every thought and emotion slowly closing themselves away as he gave a hollow smile...and refused to meet P'nay's child-like stare. "I thought we could just go on like this..." He mumbled, an arm sliding to hide his eyes, and he gave a desperate laugh. "But then...then that wherry of a greenrider showed up...and shards, P'nay! I got so angry at him. And you! So angry that you..."

He broke off and laid silent for the longest time, nothing but the sound of Gyth's gentle whistle--more calm and relaxed now--to signify he hadn't gone off and died. But at long last, he choked up the courage to continue, "I've been sleeping around less and less. Its almost like...a disease. I just...haven't wanted to have anyone but you in my furs. Its been weeks since I've slept with another man, P'nay! Weeks!" Sitting up, he stared the blond in the eye, a strange mixture of anger, hurt, desperation...and fear blending in his eyes. "I've never been in love, you know." The Pinkrider looked away at this, and stared longingly at Gyth once more, a rare, antsy motion of his fingers making it appear he wanted to go over and bury himself in her wings. "I've always been just like you. Always wanted to have someone different...never wanted to stick to one person for too long. And it wasn't because I was scared...I just...didn't want to settle down. But now..."

He reached up, running a hand through his hair, and set to staring at his free hand in his lap, staring more stubbornly when the second joined the first. "..I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop wanting and wishing...and waiting for you to come. Do you know how jealous I am when I find about your latest flings? And when F'let left...honestly P'nay...I hated myself because all I could think about is how there was one less person to roll in your furs. One less rival." He gave a soft, self-loathing laugh, and his eyes narrowed. "I know you can't handle that. I know it..and I understand. I really do! But...I just...I can't do this."

R'ish looked up, catching the blond's stare once more, "Its killing me, P'nay. Its better--for both of us--if I back out now. You'll grow to hate me otherwise...and I can't stand that." Slowly, he stood and set to shrugging on his clothing, taking his time, yet not putting off the job. When he was finished, and had a flight jacket on his arm, he glanced again to P'nay, "I care too much about you to lead you on. I won't hurt you by hiding my feelings. Please understand. I love you, P'nay."

[Admin]

Cause if you don't then just leave,
I'm looking for attention,
Not another question,
Should you stay or should you go?

The actions. The words. The finality. It washed over him. P'nay didn't move. He just sat there and let it happen, listened and tried to take it like a man. Of course, he didn't. Something went and slowly broke inside him, joining all the other broken bits of him. The last thing he wanted was for R'ish to spill his guts, to detail out the situation to him, to say all the things he hadn't noticed. All of that was serious, somber, depressing, and he didn't want it to be serious. All of the seriousness was the problem. Each word made it worse. Each word put more on his shoulder, making him feel heavier and heavier, more achingly in pain. He couldn't understand what was happening. He was child-like, with trying to understand the emotional situation while still understanding the weight of it and getting the pain of it. He wanted time to stop, to go back.

Through it all, he hadn't moved and he stared at R'ish, who was standing and dressed already as he sat, naked, on the bed. He swallowed again. He shivered, though the air was perfectly warm and he was half covered with a blanket. Then he started to cry. Tears slipped down his cheek. "I'm sorry;" he whispered. It was all his fault. It made sense, why they had to be apart, and it was all his fault. No matter what R'ish said, it all led back to him. He took the blame, like always, he took the blame. "I won't hate you, ever, but I understand. I'm sorry. I can't, just, be in love. I need other people." He wished he had something else to say, scrambling to try to explain as he cried. He wanted to offer one last explanation for it all before R'ish walked completely away, but nothing good enough was coming out. He had nothing to say.

Well, he did, but it all slipped out of his grasp. He had nothing he felt he could promise. He couldn't bring himself to fight. It didn't occur to him to even begin to try to claim anything. It didn't occur to him to say that he was sort of feeling that he loved R'ish a lot.

Feeling he was being stupid, he hurriedly tried to stop crying, which he did reasonably well. He always had been good at pretending, for a good many turns, since before Annith. It was easy enough, with her out there crooning. He gave R'ish a sad smile, which he knew probably looked even more stupid, but he didn't have anything else to do. He didn't feel like he could get up and try to leave right then, since R'ish and Gyth seemed to be leaving. He would disappear later. He would cry then. At that time, he didn't let himself. He pretended to be alright, like he didn't care so deeply about R'ish, like it hurt but he would live through it, like he wasn't going to at least think a little bit about jumping off something because of it. Annith crooned louder. R'ish would be pissed if he really did, though, and there was Annith, so of course he wouldn't!

Well, if you don't have the answer,
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Just walk away.