Squiggled Edges are the Way To Go

[fidelli]

Love, love,
Save the empty.

F'del was... Well, lets not go into that right away. Altith is so much more important. Altith, the crazy Purple who loves babies, was... Alright, that's not fair. In every single other post, it's Altith who drags F'del around and makes him deal with people, but Altith was pretty much ignoring His. Altith was skulking around the Hatching Sands, actually, eager for the babies and quite intent on BEING THERE FOR THE HATCHING. So, while Altith was not really talking to F'del, who was just a regular rider for the time being (although it was pretty cool, he got to keep the Weyrlingmaster knots with just a small different loop at the bottom saying that he was inactive right now) was chilling. He hadn't sat in the dining hall for a long time, and just did nothing. It was always another plan for a lesson, always chores to dole out, always TROUBLEMAKERS to plan for.

But he didn't have any of it. And he was actually, really missing it. He wasn't surprised at that - he did love to teach. He was more surprised at how fast he had started to miss it. With the Hatching no more than days away, he was pretty sure that he wanted nothing more than to be allowed to teach this next group. But he had gone through a nasty fight with Altith in the middle of the lessons, ending up giving up fellis completely.

Well, the addict felt that. HARD. And in the end, three Weyrlings died in the middle of betweening lesson... Because he hadn't been there. He knew that if he had been there to coax them, something would have been different. Something would have changed, whether it was the winds, the timing, or Faranth herself. It was all his fault. So, F'del had sunk into a worse depression state... And soon enough, Altith - the happy go lucky ADHD dragon couldn't stay mad at F'del for long - and him made up. F'del lessened his dosages, but stayed on it - despite the withdrawal, the already mellow man needed that high, the feeling of floating on clouds.

So, at the moment, F'del was not being a Weyrlingmaster... And therefore, was in the dining hall, back in the far corner, with a vial of fellis extract sitting on the small table in front of him and a cup of piping hot klah. It wasn't clearly fellis, but the oderless, tasteless, milky opaque liquid didn't give much of an idea of being anything else. But F'del was alone, and he had faith in the almost pure batch - it was home grown. So, he was staring at it, debating whether or not to get rip-roaring high. He hadn't done it in ages, and had stuck to smaller dosages. It wasn't a bad thing, but he wanted it too. He was, despite the kind emerald eyes, and the never ending patience, and the constant warmth, an addict. Addicts are people too, you know.

And sometimes it's the best that seem to fall. Not many people knew, either. His step-daughter Nim, his ex-Weyrmate A'mor, his brother Sper, and B'nyur probably had some idea. But the artist kept it a secret - if the Weyrwoman found out, he would be slung from the Weyrlingmaster slot faster than you could say fellis. F'del turned back to the empty page infront of him, picking up his slim piece of charcoal again. It didn't matter. He didn't need it - he could draw instead. But nothing came to his mind to draw, and his gaze kept straying back to the vial, until the usually strong willed Purplerider - with a furtive look around and a check on Altith (who was ignoring him for the babies) - F'del picked up the vial and let it slip into his klah.

The first sip was like a hot bath, stepping into it. He shuddered, and reclined back, letting it coat his throat and work slowly to his mind. This wasn't nearly enough for him anymore - but it was a mental thing too. It was in him again - so he was better. The dining hall was nearly deserted - it was after dinner, and everyone had things to do, so he didn't bother putting the half-empty vial back down. It was alright.

[derek]

ooc: please forgive me for this short, shoddy post. i wrote it on paper in my history of the english lang class. D:

bic:

Sound the bugle now... play it just for me
As the seasons change... remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on...I can't even start
I've got nothing left... just an empty heart.

J'kan was lonely. Dalibor Weyr was all he could ever ask for, open, friendly, well organized and spacious as it was. The tithes were delivered on time and no one went hungry. The people were kind and friendly, though he hadn't spoken to many of them yet, given that he only arrived yesterday. Aside from the brief contact with O'sho, the Weyrleader, giving him his Wing assignments (J'kan was in O'sho's own wing, he was proud to find), the Brown had barely spoke to anyone in the Weyr. The transferred Brown rider had basically kept to himself, isolated, settling Hath down into the new Weyr. In truth, J'kan was more worried about how the Brown was faring than himself.

In staying isolated, J'kan earned odd, sympathetic looks from some, and friendly greetings from most, though he couldn't stay to chat, since Hath would need attending. ...or that was his excuse, anyway. He didn't really want to talk to anyone just yet. He had to adjust his mind. Despite his worrying over Hath, the dragon was setting in much better than his rider. Though the presence of so many flitters was a cause of annoyance to the large Brown, he was happy enough in Dalibor. His weyr was open and spacious, just the right temperature (not too hot, but not too cold, either!) and was far more comfortable than his weyr at Benden had been.

When Hath began to suspect his rider's feelings of loneliness, however, J'kan cut off his emotions until the dragon was asleep. It wouldn't do for Hath to get upset. Not now. Not when he was finally settling in and doing well.

And so, despite Dalibor's obvious comforts, J'kan felt himself slipping down into a deep depression. He missed Benden with a fierce ache in his heart, though Dalibor obviously surpassed his old Weyr in comforts and organization. He missed his friends, T'lor, rider of Blue Greth, M'lin, rider of Black Makenth, and Nori, rider of Green Plynith.

Here, at Dalibor... he was lonely.

It was night, as he was hiding his feelings from a gently slumbering Hath, that J'kan made his way from his personal weyr, across the Weyr Bowl, around the Heights, and finally into the Weyr itself, where he ended up in the Dining Hall. He had let his feet guide him with no purpose whatsoever other than walking and thinking, and, well. Here is was. Standing in an ill-lit, shadowy corner, J'kan watched the proceedings, though there wasn't much to see. An older (thirty-five, maybe? forty?) looking man was sitting, staring at a cup of Klah. A drudge would walk by occasionally, but J'kan paid them no heed. He was focused on the man.

Finally, when no one was looking, the man slipped a vial of something--it looked like fellis to J'kan--into his cup of Klah. J'kan exhaled slowly, hardly daring to breathe. He worried briefly, but then decided to take a walk on the wild side. Besides, what could happen? It would make him feel better, Hath was asleep, and maybe he would make a new friend.

Stepping out from the shadows, the Brown rider slid into the bench-seat across from the fellis-drinker. In the dim lighting, J'kan looked haggard, ill-fed, almost as if he hadn't slept in days. Which I haven't, the rider reminded himself. Gently picking up the vial the man had set back on the table, J'kan examined it closely. Yes, definitely fellis. "Fellis, eh?" He commented, stating the obvious. "Good way to lose yourself for awhile." He paused before a sad smile crossed his face. "Mind if I join you? Getting rip-roaring high is always more fun with two!"

Sound the bugle now... tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know that leads to anywhere
Without a light, I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down and decide not to go on

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[fidelli]

Chalk it all up to experience
They said I'd fail but I disagreed
Who could say then where my path would lead?
Well, now I know

Loneliness was a burden, and a curse, and F'del worked hard on not feeling it. He suffered with it enough - it was part of what made him an insomniac, and why he needed Altith or fellis. He hid so much from the Purple, but Altith was sharp at the same time - the Purple saw so much more. It was the simple ones who really did see the most, without the reasons not to see other things. And he loved the Purple - without Altith, he would have no reason to live.

For F'del the room was mostly empty - and most people ignored him. He did have many acquaintances, but for no particular reason F'del just had not ever trusted people. He spoke to them, he was kind, well-spoken, polite... But everything was glazed. Everything was very carefully separated from the rest of the world, and he kept himself away from anything that could get him hurt. A'mor was a reminder of that - the fight between the pair of them had almost killed F'del. He trusted very little, and needed even less. Except for fellis - the addict. And even then, he couldn't survive just on the fellis. He wasn't sure what he needed, but he needed something that wasn't easily accessible in his life.

When he figured it out, he would tell us what it was.

He took a second sip, and closed his eyes - and then they flew open as suddenly someone else sat across from him. The Purplerider stayed very still, watching J'kan with haunted eyes. Ribbon, the green firelizard he had Impressed before the first hatching, slipped from between to settle on his shoulder - she had been sent from Altith, although F'del didn't know that. One hand rubbed her head, and he just looked at the male that had sat down. He looked worn down, this new male - and he and Altith knew most people. He tensed slightly as the fellis - which he had left sitting there like an idiot - was commandeered, and the Brownrider by the knots, studied it. 'Fellis, eh?' F'del waited, just watching. 'Good way to lose yourself for awhile.' Spring green eyes reflected surprise, as he had not been expecting that at all. He hadn't known what he was going to say, but the sad smile touched his heart. 'Mind if I join you? Getting rip-roaring high is always more fun with two!'

F'del stayed in silence for a few more moments, than reached across the table deliberately to take the vial from man's fingers, and unscrew it. He dumped the rest in the klah, and pushed the cup across the table, offering it with a somber smile of his own. "F'del. Of Purple Altith. And Ribbon. You are welcome to it." His eyes pleaded for secrecy, but his tone was polite, soft, and kind - everything that he ever was. "But why would a new transfer not want to stay sober on a beautiful night like tonight? Surely there are more interesting things to do than hide in the corner with an addict." Ribbon, forever the kitten, clambered down to get more attention from this new male, pushing up against his hand so that she would be petted as well.

[derek]

J'kan noted with pleasure that the other man was surprised, but no smile graced his lined face, and no light touched his dark, stormy, troubled eyes. The Brown rider prided himself on being unpredictable, and the satisfaction of startling this other man-- F'del, he called himself--still lingered, though it did not outwardly show.

As the other--F'del, J'kan kept reminding himself--dumped the rest of the fellis into the klah, the brown rider leaned his arms against the table. F'del pushed the klah across the table, but J'kan didn't move. He studied the purple rider's face instead, thinking terrible thoughts as he took in the other man's appearance.

He couldn't help but think of how handsome F'del was. The way his hair fell across his eyes, the way his broad shoulders and muscular chest filled out his tight shirt. Even his hands held a certain grace, a certain beauty, as they pushed the klah across the table.

J'kan became aware that he was staring, and was grateful for the darkness that hid his faint blush. His own hands, scarred and battered though they were, picked up the clay cup, taking a slow sip. The faint cinnamon-y taste of the klah was lost to the bitter, acid taste of the fellis. J'kan shook his head briefly as the drug burned down his throat and to his stomach.

At the purple rider's next question, he tensed. A green fire lizard (J'kan presumed it was F'del's) was prodding his hand for attention. J'kan gave it, letting a single finger run down the little flitter's hide. He did not particularly want to answer F'del's questions. They were far too personal.

"I don't believe that's any of your business," he stated softly. Despite the quiet sound of his voice, his words held a frigid edge that was sure to bite if prodded any further. "But then, I could always ask why you're alone in a corner drinking fellis. I suppose that would make us even."

[/color][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[fidelli]

F'del was focused on the man as well, but something we will learn fast about F'del is that he was quite a spaz when it came to some things. He had no idea if J'kan approved or disapproved of him... But it wasn't like F'del was one of those people to care about what people thought of him. But he had indeed startled F'del, if that was what J'kan wanted. F'del was not easily startled - please, he was Bonded to Altith - but J'kan had indeed. Sometimes, even the expecting get a blast of fresh air.

F'del watched the other man, as he was wont to do with anything that caught his attention. Spring green eyes tried to catch and hold the dark eyes, trying to read the other man. F'del wasn't taking too much offense that the boy had not yet taken the fellis - he was much more interested in taking the other man in. First impressions are very important, remember, to everything, and F'del takes his first impressions to a whole new level. Usually Altith was helping, but the Purple wasn't that good at it - he was one of those people who found the best in everything.

J'kan was good looking, a part of F'del noted. He wasn't that oblivious, to be true - he did see the pretty body, the beautiful eyes. They were things that he noted, and the small part of his brain that was interested in sex coveted them, cooing over the new transfer. But most of F'del wasn't on that mindset - he was more interested in the mindset of why, of how the man acted, of what made him the way he was. He didn't notice the slight coloring of J'kan's cheeks because it wasn't what he was interested in - he was more focused on the fact that suddenly, his muse was coming back.

He watched with that same serene expression on his face as the other rider picked up the cup finally and took a sip, smiling quietly his amusement that the drug affected the other rider. He wasn't nearly a drug addict than - and the part that F'del hated about himself laughed cruely and looked down in scorn at J'kan. F'del pushed that ugly side back as he was always did, ignoring it. He watched Ribbon again, the lengthy little Green practically purring as the man stroked down her back, twining in and around herself so much that she looked as though she might tie herself in a knot. F'del saw the man tense, his artists eye catching the sudden distance that was suddenly put between them even though neither man had moved. He stayed the same way though, relaxed, even as he reclaimed his cup and took a soft sip. He didn't taste it anymore - a little, but the burn didn't really burn anymore.

'I don't believe that's any of your business.' F'del shrugged, putting the cup down back between the two of them and deflected the cold neatly away. 'But then, I could always ask why you're alone in a corner drinking fellis. I suppose that would make us even.' If he was trying to irritate F'del, it wouldn't work. The man was known as being the most easy going person around - nothing made him mad. In his thirty two years, he had gotten in two fights - one with Altith, and one with A'mor. That should say something. So, instead he streached out, scooping up the charcoal again and etching out a few lines on the paper before smiling a soft, sad smile at the man.

"It's not, you are right. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend." But he didn't bother with the next part - it was only there to rile him or, or stab back at him, so the genial Purplerider only continued a sketch or two and then looked back at the man. He was fine with silence, but he felt that the man needed someone to talk to, so he tried again. "You are the new transfer? I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

[derek]

J'kan enjoyed the sensation of startling the man. F'del looked incredibly stoic and unconcerned about everything in general, and the warmth that filled the Brown rider as he showed surprise seemed to give him an edge that he had lost before. Once again, he couldn't keep his eyes off of the Purple rider. His blue eyes steadied and met F'del's sea-green pair, and he smiled.

Ribbon, the little green fire lizard was now twining herself around his left hand, as his right reached again for the cup of fellis. He took a deeper draught from the clay mug this time, feeling as the drug burned down his throat and set a fire in his belly. He gasped and blinked as his vision blurred briefly. The green flitter was unaware, however, and was twining herself so fiercely now that J'kan opened the palm of his hand to let her sit on it, rubbing her wedge-shaped head along his fingers and wrist.

At F'del's next question, J'kan felt himself smile, though his brain was telling him not to. "Yes, I'm the new transfer. J'kan, rider of Brown Hath," he continued, nodding his head. Brown hair flopped into his blue eyes, and he brushed it away quickly, unwilling to obscure his vision of the Purple rider.

Leaning forward, J'kan peered down at the charcoal drawing F'del kept glancing back to. "What are you drawing?" He asked quietly. Silence reigned for one more seconds before he violently stood.

"We should go have sex." Taking another gulp from the mug of fellis, his blue eyes bright, J'kan grinned. "I'm serious. I haven't gotten any in weeks, and I really need it. You're hot. I'm high. Let's have sex."

[/color][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[fidelli]

If F'del was to describe himself, he wouldn't go unconcerned about everything. He would just try and explain that he cared, but he saw no sense in getting riled up about everything. It was easier to have a calm head when he had to deal with it all - especially the Weyrlings. Who he was missing terribly right now. It was like watching a child grow up, and he had watched two of his do that already. A brother and a step-daughter, both whom he had raised from a young age with a Weyrmate who no longer would speak to him unless he had to. F'del worked quite hard at not thinking about those things, and took a big gulp of the fellis. Spring green eyes met the blue ones, and he smiled, finding it easy to get lost in them, distract himself from the life through something else.

Ribbon had seen Her's on the drug before, and knew from long experience passed that if she coaxed His and the ones that looked like His, they would have to pay attention to her. And she was right - after the man took a gulp from mug, he began to pet her, and she cooed at him praisingly before nudging his fingers to the better spot, right below the chin. He could pet and talk to Her's at the same time, and she ignored their speech. F'del matched the smile however, even as he shook his head and scooped the Green from the boy's wrist. His fingers brushed J'kan's skin as he did so, and he was surprised to feel the first lazy coils of want stir in his belly. That was odd - he hadn't felt that since A'mor.

'Yes, I'm the new transfer. J'kan, rider of Brown Hath.' J'kan. A name to fit the face now, and F'del transfixed that in his mind. He refused to admit that he was fixing too much detail - the subtle shape of the chin, the arch of his eyebrows, the sparks in his eyes - he told himself stubbornly that it was because he was an artist. Taking another sip from the drug and feeling the first lazy fog of the drug slip through his mind, he let J'kan lean forward and scan over the picture, taking another rough swipe at it. 'What are you drawing?' What was he drawing? Would it be safe to say him? His fingers itched to draw him, itched to put the face down on paper before his mind had the chance to smudge the face wrong. Of course... The next spoken words drove that completely out of his mind, however.

'We should go have sex.' F'del's head shot up as he looked at the Brownrider, green eyes wide. His mouth fell open, lips forming the word, "Wha?" But J'kan was taking another swig of the drink and grinning at him recklessly. 'I'm serious. I haven't gotten any in weeks, and I really need it. You're hot. I'm high. Let's have sex.' F'del only looked at him for another moment, eyes wide, before rising slowly. His hand reached out and gently took away the cup, cradling it and taking another fortifying gulp. Great. The kid had never been on strong fellis before, and apparently when he got high, he got horny. F'del tried to grin at the boy, and while part of him really wanted to say, HELL YES, he was not going to take advantage of the younger man.

"It's just the fellis talking, J'kan. I'm sorry, but you're letting the drug talk, and having sex with me won't help you out there." His eyes couldn't help but flicker down to the lips of the man, and then tore them away, sitting back down in the chair and leaning back against the wall. He had no muse for the picture, but he focused back on it, hoping that J'kan would get the idea... He didn't think it would help, but it was worth the try. And he really hated upsetting people, but the kid would be more upset if he woke up with F'del the next morning. The Purplerider took another big gulp, letting the cool liquid run down his throat and take further control of his mind.

[derek]

J'kan liked the loose feeling the drug gave him, and it was much stronger than anything he had ever felt with alcohol. F'del was carelessly handsome, and J'kan found himself thinking that it simply wasn't fair for the other man to be that good looking. Though his face was lined from stress, his spring-green eyes still held a light that warmed the Brown rider as much as it frightened him.

The drink, thought it made him feel like someone he wasn't, was strangely addicting. Now he knew why F'del took it so often. J'kan took another gulp, the fiery liquid burning his insides as he swallowed it, where he boiled and rolled in his gut, fueling his animalistic desires.

Just looking at F'del made him feel careless and better than he had in months. At the older man's answer, however, his heart fell. No? But... J'kan couldn't grip the answer. The fellis had muddled his mind and didn't understand what F'del was saying. Surely the other man wanted it, too? After all, they were very much the same. Surely F'del realized it, too? They had both loved, had lost, and were alone. Surely, surely F'del understood his need.

But he was not one to beg.

Instead, he stood up, pushing back the chair he had been sitting in. He felt as if he were walking in a haze, and as if he were fighting through fog. As he moved forward, however, things became steadily clearer, until he stood directly next to F'del. Turning the man forcibly as he grabbed him by the shoulders, J'kan stared into those green eyes with his own blue, and the desire that filled his eyes would surely be recognized by the other man.

Next second, he placed his pale pink lips against F'del's, tasting the fellis juice that was apparent on both of their mouths. Pulling away, J'kan's eyes searched F'del's for some sort of answer. "It may not help, but it'll make me feel better," he managed to rasp out before kissing the other male again.

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[fidelli]

F'del, the easygoing and completely relaxed man, had always been addicted to fellis. Since he was in his teens he had been touched by the juice, his whole life carefully scheduled around it. He worked hard on not letting it control his life, and with family members to balance on and around, with Altith there keep him steady... He was not like other addicts he had seen. He knew it was because of Altith, and A'mor - A'mor didn't need to be here. The fellis was burning through his blood, and he took another swift gulp, trying to get rid of it, trying to free his mind, back to the cloud of high he needed. He couldn't get away from those blue eyes either, couldn't escape the ruggedly handsome face. He had no thoughts on himself as well - he didn't believe he was that good looking. What he wanted to do was take away the pain he saw shining so clearly in J'kan's eyes... But he didn't know this man. He didn't know anything about him at all.

And he should have known better than to give it to this boy, who so clearly had never touched the raw stuff at this level. They way he had offered F'del had thought that he had indeed taken it before, but how fast he had gotten high... He had been stupid, and now he was responsible for a young man who couldn't hold his fellis. And he could see the sadness and the heartbreak that F'del was causing as he said no, but he had to stay his ground, had to make sure that J'kan didn't do anything stupid. He would thank F'del for this later. He would. F'del just had to keep telling himself and take another gulp from the liquid that was fast disappearing.

F'del tore his eyes away from the hurting man and drank the last of the klah, putting it down and hoping that J'kan would sit down, or say something. Instead, suddenly, he was being turned, half spinning on his own as he registered the placement change. The green met the blue, and he met the desire there with bewilderment. Why HIM? He was just F'del, just plain F'del who wasn't that special, wasn't that amazing. He was a fellis addict, and a Weyrlingmaster without a class. But the desire was there, and F'del had the greatest fear that it was just the drug speaking, the drug telling J'kan that he would want this... And if F'del let this happen, the next morning would not be his favorite.

But then he was being kissed, and nothing else mattered. It had been a long time since someone had just kissed him, and the turmoil of emotions that spun through his head made him dizzy. He followed the mouth up, eyes hurt and confused and wanting them back, but mind battling with himself back and forth - yes, no, bad, good. 'It may not help, but it'll make me feel better.' F'del moaned into his mouth, a heartbroken sound as he warred with himself - and the torrent of emotion alerted Altith to something wrong with His. The Purple fell into His's mind, looking through F'del's mind without any causeof alarm, and then. MINE YOU ARE KISSING A BOY! A NON NOYTH'S! F'del, who had begun to wind his way up J'kan's neck, suddenly jerked away, falling over backwards in his haze and the shock of Altith. "Altith!"

The Purple was laughing, taking off to settled on his ledge. That's good! You need a Flight! And many of our Weyrlings will be Flying, and I will be Chasing some of them, so you need the practice. Who is it?! The purple chased through F'del's mind and tracked down everything, than shoved F'del's doubts away with an easy sweep. Silly Mine - mornings are tomorrows. F'del was still looking hazy, but with Altith carefully blocking off any ideas of things that were bad of this plan, F'del didn't care anymore. In the three seconds it had taken the Purple to understand, F'del was up in the third, hesitantly reaching forward to tug on his hip and bring his lips back to his, kissing him softly, trying to make him understand everything and nothing.

This wasn't his idea, but he needed this. They both did, both to love and loose. Shakespeare was an idiot, if he was the moron who stated it was better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all. Your heart didn't break into so many pieces, and you didn't need anyone else to fix it. This wasn't fixing either - this was sweeping under the rug, but something had to be done or they would probably have been swept away by the wind and never been able to be pieced together. He would deal with everything else tomorrow - the Altith, the J'kan, the Flights, the fellis. For now, it was the younger man under his hand, tugging him softly up to his Weyr, and nothing else but the lust, the need, the fellis, and the feeling of something not hurting quite so much.