To All You Spiffy Writers...

[fidelli]

I need to write a 300 word essay on "Why Volunteering Makes Dreams Come True," and I was wondering if you all would help me. First off all, just be beta reader's and see if you can see any mistakes? Second, can you help me shave off a few words? I got it down to 322, and I need 22 gone. You don't have to, but if you have the time... It would be appreciated.

Whispers tantalize her ears, and the girl flinches back from the stares. Head down, she fights a desperate race not to be noticed. The Mid-Atlantic Burn Camp was founded to help children like this, children who have been severely burned and disfigured. The camp is based solely on volunteers, understanding and caring. What they do should be second nature to all humans. They affect these children’s lives drastically, piecing back together the dreams of youth. These people understand that is necessary to realize the importance of touching a heart, or simply holding a hand.

As a child, I grew up watching my aunt, and the rest of my family, donate exceptional amounts of time to her brainchild, the non-profit Mid-Atlantic Burn Camp. My childhood memories are created from firehouses and cheerful chaos. Growing up around this, I thought of volunteering as natural. Once a season, my mother left us in the care of my father, and went to camp. She would come home with stories and life lessons that I struggled to understand over the years, learning about people who only looked different.

Add to a teenager’s already fragile self-esteem massive scarring, and the conclusion is more than external damage. The camp helps this, showing them that they aren’t the only ones like this. Children arrive swaddled in clothing, to see the veterans of camp in shorts and sleeveless T’s, mindless of the scars. Many come back year after year, and my mother tells of watching them grow, becoming the confident young adults they would have been without the burns – made, perhaps, better.

With the volunteer efforts of those who make the Burn Camp possible, I have met people who have risen above their scars. Without the time volunteers put in, I fight to comprehend what these people would have been like. Through this simple action, volunteering changes their lives. It makes children dream again, and shows the personality behind the scars.

[/size]

[Nia]

Whispers tantalize her ears, and the girl flinches back from the stares. Head down, she fights a desperate race not to be noticed. The Mid-Atlantic Burn Camp was founded to help children like this, children who have been severely burned and disfigured. The camp is based solely on volunteers, understanding and caring. What they do should be second nature to all humans. They affect these children’s lives drastically, piecing back together the dreams of youth. These people understand that is necessary to realize the importance of touching a heart, or simply holding a hand.

As a child, I grew up watching my aunt, and the rest of my family donate exceptional amounts of time to my aunt's brainchild, the non-profit Mid-Atlantic Burn Camp. My childhood memories are created from firehouses and cheerful chaos. Growing up around this, I thought of volunteering as natural. Once a season, my mother left us in the care of my father, and went to camp. She would come home with stories and life lessons that I struggled to understand over the years, learning about people who only looked different.

Add to a teenager’s already fragile self-esteem massive scarring, and the conclusion is more than external damage. The camp helps this, showing them that they aren’t the only ones like this. Children arrive swaddled in clothing, to see the veterans of camp in shorts and sleeveless T’s, mindless of the scars. Many come back year after year, and my mother tells of watching them grow becoming the confident young adults they would have been without the burns – made, perhaps, better.

With the volunteer efforts of those who make the Burn Camp possible, I have met people who have risen above their scars. Without the time volunteers put in, I fight to comprehend what these people would have been like. Through this simple action, volunteering changes their lives. It makes children dream again, and shows the personality behind the scars.


I think that's -23 words, plus the ones that I bolded that I had to add, so -22 total.

Hope this helps...? xD;

[fidelli]

-snugs- YOU ROCK SOCKS. That's perfect!

[/size]

[Admin]

Whispers tantalize her ears, and the girl flinches back from the stares. Head down, she fights desperately not to be noticed. The Mid-Atlantic Burn Camp was founded to help children like this, children who have been severely burned and disfigured. The camp is based solely on volunteers, understanding and caring. What they do should be second nature to all humans. They affect these children’s lives drastically, piecing back together the dreams of youth. These people understand that is necessary to realize the importance of touching a heart, or simply holding a hand.

As a child, I grew up watching my aunt and my family donate exceptional amounts of time to her brainchild, the non-profit Mid-Atlantic Burn Camp. My childhood memories are created from firehouses and cheerful chaos. Growing up around this, I thought of volunteering as natural. Once a season, my mother left us in the care of my father, and went to camp. She would come home with stories and life lessons that I struggled to understand over the years, learning about people who only looked different.

Add to a teenager’s already fragile self-esteem massive scarring, and the conclusion is more than external damage. The camp helps this, showing them that they aren’t the only ones. Children arrive swaddled in clothing, to see the veterans of camp in shorts and sleeveless T’s, mindless of the scars. Many come back year after year, and my mother tells of watching them grow, becoming the confident young adults they would have been without the burns – made, perhaps, better.

With the volunteer efforts of those who make the camp possible, I have met people who have risen above their scars. Without the time volunteers put in, I fight to comprehend what these people would have been like. Through this simple action, volunteering changes their lives. It makes children dream again, and shows the personality behind the scars.

Nia looks to have it but there's a couple sentences with some words taken out that I think make it sound a little more concise as well in bold.

On a personal note: I've met people who I wish would have had the opportunity to go to a camp like this. I don't have as much experience with burn victims but they're are some amongst the people I've met with skin disfigurements. I have rashes over most of my body and I've had some that have left scars due to infection, but I've grown up to it. I tend to ignore people who stare at my legs when I where shorts or who stare at the red splotches on my arms, but it still hurts sometimes. Why shouldn't it hurt a little bit when someone asks you if you're contagious and starts backing away from you well some of their friends laugh?

[fidelli]

This camp is my favorite place in the world. I'm not personally burned, but many of my friends made at this camp are, and it's so much fun. I can't wait until I'm 21 and allowed to council there.

[kia]

I think it may be too late to put my input in, but other than small errors, it is really good.