Hayden, Candidate

[hayden]

[Name: Hayden-Zarr

Gender: Male

Age: 16

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Location: Southern


Rank: Dragon Candidate


Personality: He is very free spirited and carefree. He does his best to avoid fighting and tries hard to protect those close to him. He shows little care for himself by doing dangerous tasks and things, such as climbing rock walls and trees. He is not one you would find doing perfectly in school. He’d rather be outdoors in the sun and air. He can be a trouble maker at times but tends to use his manners. He can be very hyper at times and has short span of focus do to the fact that he has ADHD

Appearance: He is tall and strong. About 5'10 and is skinny in his upper body but he has long and big legs. He could kick a hole in a wall but he doesn’t have any upper body strength. So his upper body around his chest and arms are rather skinny and a little small but not too small. He has red pointy/spiky hair and green eyes. Being 16 he has a little bit of a mustache on his upper lip. He has a thin normal head and a normal nose. he ears are just a little bigger than normal but alone by a bit. He weighs 165 pounds and has about a size 12 foot. And he has no body fat on him. And above his left eye there is a scar that is about two inches long.


Family: Rega-Zarr, Father; Nial-Zarr, mother

Pets: none

History: Hayden was born in the Western Continent. It was a quiet and normal place to grow up as a kid. Hayden loved dragons then, who didn't? When you where four all that mattered was dragons. Back then he was much more innocent. Kicking around a ball with some friends. Watching dragons that would fly over head in the sky if chance would allow. As he grew he got bigger faster than any of the other kids. Mostly because of his dad. His dad was 6'4 and grew fast and stopped growing when he was 14. That being why Hayden grew so fast they all knew he would grow to be taller than his father. When he was about six he was running around in the house and tripped and busted his head on a coffee table which left as scar above his left eye. As he grew older he became more and more reckless. Into the teen years we head. The kicking the ball around grew into full force hard contact games. He was always the hardest kicker for he had the strongest legs. Their games and dares grew as they did. As they got stronger and able to take more of a beating they would push themselves to do what every they could. And he was the most hyper of them. He could run faster, jump higher, kick harder than any of them. But his upper body wouldn’t follow along with his lower. He was the worst at pushups, pull-ups, and punching. Because they did everything together they where a well connected group of about 7 teenagers that where like brothers. So they where the gang that did everything together. But it only lasted 2 turns. When he reached the age of 14, he had this dream to leave because he wanted to be a Rider. But it wasn’t going to happen. He was much to far for the dragons to end up getting searched. Who would come all the way out here looking for candidates? All that dream did was sit silently in the back of his head. Life goes on. Until… Hayden stood, staring into the flames the used to be his home. What was this! His home. He family. All his life, engulfed by the flames that lit the night. He knew not how this had come to be. All he knew was that it was gone. His mother and father hadn’t survived the event, meaning that there was nothing left for him. He took what he could find or recover from the ashes and made a promise that he would leave this place and become the rider he wanted to be. Sitting around here, he was just living a normal life. And Hayden wanted more than normal. So he sit off. Upon reaching Dalibor Weyr, he knew that is was all up to luck that he would get searched. After a turn of hanging around dragons and being of any use he could, he got lucky. Got searched, and became a Candidate. Weather he impressed or not didn’t matter to him anymore. He was just glad to make it this far. Now he does little more than train and wait. Wait for the off chance that the hums will come and change his life forever.

Wher Preference:. I would like it if he ether ended up with a blue or bronze maybe? He is a strong capable body. Its just that his upper body is no where near as strong as his lower. I would like maybe blue or brown or bronze. Mostly would want blue.

Ooc;// I'm trying to do the best I can. I know so little about DRoP so I'm really sorry if it is really bad. I'm trying the best I can Bre!!

[Admin]

DECLINED.

The first real issue is that he should only have one name, like just 'Hayden'. Perhaps 'Hayden-Zarr' or 'Hayden-Ziraid' but he shouldn't have a last and a first name and he definitely shouldn't have a middle. People have one name in the current Pern.

These really aren't the reason for declining the applications but, since it needs editing anyway, I thought I'd cover them. I put suggested changes in bold:

"He shows little care for himself by doing dangerous tasks and things such as climbing rock walls and trees."
You can get rid of the period there and combine it with the next sentence, which is a fragment otherwise.

"He can be very hyper at times and has short span of focus do to the fact that he has ADHD."
It needs a period and 'spand' should just be 'span.

"He is tall and strong, about 5'10 and is skinny in his upper body but he has long and big legs."
The second sentence is a fragment but can be combined with the first.

"He could kick a hole in a wall but he doesn't have any upper body strength, so his upper body around his chest and arms are rather skinny and a little small but not too small. He has red pointy/spiky hair and green eyes. Being 16, he has a little bit of a mustache on his upper lip. He has a thin, normal head and a normal nose. His ears are just a little bigger than normal but alone(?) by a bit."
There were some typos and the 'so' from the first two sentences you had works better with combining the sentences.

Now onto your history, which is where things typically snag up. First, you've seen some of the typos and such that I've pointed out in the first parts of your application, so go and read through the history/hit the spellcheck button to try fixing up some of the mistakes in this part. Second, there are some things that don't fit with Pern:

"Hayden was born in a small town with no dragons that was located out in the middle of no where. It was small and nother happend there past a dragonrider stoping by once in a while"
There aren't any town in Pern; there was holds or cotholds, and his home would have had to have been under some major hold. Perhaps it could have been under Fork, deep in the interior of the Southern Continent?

"Watching one of the all of three riders the lived around that town."
Once again, there aren't towns, and riders don't live around towns. They live in Weyrs. In a small hold, they would rarely get visits as well. Most of the contact with dragons would either be seeing them flying overhead or at vists to a major hold.

"The kicking the ball around grew into full force soccer, killball, you name it."
They don't have soccer. Balls are made with the stomachs of animals, cloth and rags, or wood/metal (the first two usually being used for games.) Simple childhood games get names like 'wherryball', 'wherball, and 'dragonball'.

"And seeing as this was just a small town with only three Riders in it no eggs would be comeing from there. So one day he said his good byes, backed up his things, and left. After a turn he ended up here. As a Candidate."
Once again, no towns. ^^ Also, you couldn't just go off and become a candidate. He could have made the descision to go to the Weyr to try to be around dragons and increase his chances of being searched, and then have been searched. His location would be Dalibor Weyr then. With his family, as well, he can't just be a stray. He has family, at least parents. They could have died but they existed, and, if they did die, when was it and what did he do after that? Was it their death that spurred him to fufill his dream?

A note about your 'wher' preference (which should be 'dragon' preference) - If Hayden is only interested in females, he will always be heterosexual. It doesn't matter what color his dragon is and what gender the rider of a dragon his flies/is caught by. Even if he gets a bronze or a blue, they could easily fly a green with a male rider, but it doesn't, in the eyes of the people of the Weyr and to him, that he is anything he isn't.

[hayden]

I re did it.

[Admin]

DECLINED.

You're making progress, and this is a great learning experience for you to get to know Pern and our game world better! Don't be discouraged and I do know that you're trying.

There's still some small issues with the structuring of the sentences in his appearance and personality, but they still give a nice brief overview of his way of thinking and how he looks.

The history is much improves but their are some common consistency errors in it - the Western Continent was only recently settled. You have Southern marked under his location. Perhaps he could have been born on the Southern Continent and, when his family died, gone to Southern Weyr? From there, he could have been transferred to Dalibor after being search because there's a need of candidates.

You really don't need to re-do it that much. Simple change a couple names of places and add in his transfer here.